Mothers Day Again

I sit here hoping for a call from one of my children on this day. I don't get a call for my birthday either. But I hope one day it will come.

I love my kids even if they don't remember, even if they don't want to talk to me. I love my kids so much I had to make a sacrifice. They needed a home and food. I couldn't provide that for them. I wanted to more than anything in the world. I didn't know how. Yes they can blame me for that I suppose. I suppose I should have known how to provide for them before I had them. I didn't know, and for that I am sorry. I did my best with what I had. The problem is I didn't have much. I am sorry I didn't have the knowledge to provide for my children. It doesn't mean I love them any less. Not having them live with me is the most difficult, heart breaking, mind splitting, almost impossible thing I have ever had to go through.

Being a mother is the hardest thing in the world to be. We see our children hurt and we have to teach them that this is a part of life even if we think it shouldn't have to be this way. We see our children march off to war knowing that if they come back alive they will never be the same. We see our children raise their children knowing the possibility of what happened to me could happen to them. As mothers we stand in hope, we stand in peace we stand to teach. we stand for love, however difficult it might be.

so I sit here waiting for a call, hoping... hoping...hoping

You make me.....

I really have a hard time breaking the habit in saying "you make me..." So many times in a day someone will do something that I react to.

I have come to the conclusion that my feelings are my choice. I can be angry about something and I can be happy about something but nobody "makes" me be anything. I have free will. I dont have a mental illness in which I have no control over my actions and reactions. I have to take responsibility about how I feel.
There are some things that will invoke anger in almost anyone. Injustice and harm to others are the two things that come to mind. But being angry and how I react is on me not on the perpetrator.

This week Osama Bin Laden was murdered as he was holding his youngest wife as a human shield. Half of the world has been hunting him like a dog after a rabbit. When I first heard the news I was relieved. My children are soldiers and I worry daily for their safety. Then after about an hour I watched the news in horror. Thousands of people celebrating a murder. I understand the relief, but cheering over such a thing brought tears flowing. Was Osama correct in saying we are a barbaric people?

I found myself at a loss for words and not understanding my emotions. Nobody made me feel anything. I was experiencing a feeling all of my own. I felt out of place in the land I live and yet somehow felt responsible. After all, I am a military brat, married a military man and bore two military children. I am a product of my country. I cant help but think how Osama felt. He too was a product of his land, his military, his faith. Are we do different?

Again I find myself looking to my emotions and finding myself responsible. I will not cheer, I will not celebrate. I cannot be "happy" about a murder. I understand it, dont get me wrong. For me it is like seeing the biggest, oldest bear in the forest gone rabid. He is strong, wise, and king where he lives. He is sick and will go rouge. He will destroy and sicken more bears if he isnt killed. He has had a long life that was successful and now its at an end.

For that I feel relieved its over and sad it had to be done... That is on me.

Easter Sunday

It is a glorious day today. Happy Easter to all my Christian friends and family.

As I sit in my studio surrounded by windows I hear the birds singing wildly. It is as if someone woke them with the best news of the century or something. I know that animals don't view the world as we people do, but what if they could? What if the birds were allowing us to notice them making such a fuss today. What if they are screaming at people to pay attention to nature and not religious ritual? Enjoy what we have, whether it has been created for us or in spite of us or just evolved from a speck of dust. It would seem nature is trying to teach us how to be at one with our surroundings.

I have found that the people of the world who pay attention to nature are generally less ego filled and more humble. People who live in this world and not on it tend to be more gentle and kind because they understand how it functions quite a bit better than those who don't. It is not saying that any religion is right or wrong but rather an announcement that perhaps we need to look at how we go about living life in general.

Nature is a lifestyle that we can all share and have in common. Can we please start to do so before its to late. To late for nature, to late for each other, to late before our words get in the way. Celebrate!

Spider

for the past 5 days I have had spiders running across my body. There has to be a nest somewhere near my sofa that has hatched and the younglings are running amok. That being said, its the first time I have had to deal with spiders. Spiders dont normally visit me. So I look to my peers and elders for help in knowing what the spider stands for in life.

The spider in some cultures is said to represent the grandmother. My grandmother? I wonder. Spider also weaves the tender home it lives in and creates a place only family is welcome. This I can believe! With everything that has happened in the past month or so I can see why spider is so obvious to me.

In other cultures the spider represents creativity and architecture. Creative building. This also is very interesting at this time in my life. Business and school moving full speed ahead I am going to need all the help I can get.

In some thoughts it stands for entrapment. This concerns me as I am a bit gullible in my actions and hope that my endeavors aren't for not.

I personally like the thoughts of the spider that say, spider represents the knowledge of the past is to connect with the possibilities of the future. Ever weaving a clever path to intertwine to create a full life.

What a guide to visit me now. I admit I kill the spiders in my house but I am ever grateful for their reminder to me that I am not forgotten and I have a future.

Dealing With Health

According to the physical I have just had I seem to be riddled with stress. I found this to be unreasonable because what do I have to be stressed over? I dont work, I have a very stable marriage, I sit at home and dont do much at all. Sure I work in my spiritual practice but that for me is mostly everyday living. Then it dawned on me. Whats wrong with this picture? I am in control of nothing. Absolutely nothing. Sure I would be taken care of in the event of some horrible accident and I lost my husband, but what would I do with myself? What do I do now? EEEK! the thought is frightening. Im living on the edge of a very uncertain cliff. One wrong step or a small earthquake and Im done for. Back to the streets I would be. GOSH that is stressful.

I dont do well in business situations which is why I havent gone back to work. Im going to school to become an artist but who knows where thats going to lead me. Im stressed about the unknown. In my heart I live by "what ever will be will be" but in my head its panic city. I am going out on a business adventure and I dont know where its going to land me, but I am going to give it my best shot. I will need so much support and encouragement to beat back the negative thoughts that I have had pounded into my head for years. I have to be able to support myself in order to be free from stress. I have never been able to support myself so this is huge. Really huge.

so for now I am setting some spiritual stuff aside and getting up on my feet. There has to be balance or I am no good to anyone. Now that I know Im out of balance I must work to correct it.

blessings to you all
LAdy Raven

PS Im not going to stop my blog, there will just be more of my journey in it as well as any spiritual work I do.

How many of you have had things said to you during the day that either have meaning or you could use for a daily meditation?

My brother said something kinda cute and very out of character for him today.

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift which is why they call it the present"


When he 1st said it I thought how fluffy coming from a total science geek. But then I pondered a bit at what he was trying to say. What a wonderful outlook about life. Why shouldnt I be happy because I have today? Why shouldnt I consider the day as a gift for me to enjoy and celebrate?


Talking with my brother can be a semantic challenge of verbal wit and intelligence. He is such a powerful personality it can be hard to communicate sometimes. One wrong word put in the wrong place and the entire conversation changes to the reason for using the word and why it needs to be corrected LOL. Today he made me laugh and giggle just a bit with a simple saying that each day is a gift for me to enjoy.


For me I got 2 gifts today... I got the day itself, and I got to see a very soft and happy side of my brother. I hope I can show him what a joy it is to see and know that side of him.

A Restless Night

Raven fighting a snow storm in Lesotho, Africa by N. Chrystine Olson



I couldn't sleep last night so I decided to do a little trance work. In my quest for total relaxation I found myself in a breathtaking scene of nothing but tree tops and clouds. I became Raven. Gliding in and out of the wind paths, up and down side to side. I became aware of how far and how fast I was traveling. So I asked why I was being shown such a tremendous thing. Only a simple answer, spoken clear but soft much like the wind. "That is life."

As I soared farther and farther away, I became comfortable. In and out, back and forth between wind and no wind. The ease of flight was amazing. Only when I said I understood the lesson was I able to return home. Finding my way back home became a task. It wasn't the same flight back as it was flying away. Everything seemed to be different and more difficult to navigate. It was such a struggle and I became frustrated with my inability.

After some time, I landed home, exhausted and happy to be on the ground. I looked for anything familiar to me but it had all changed. It was home but it was different.

When I opened my eyes I had realized that the flight I just took represented my life. It took no effort to fly from home, catch a wave of excitement and energy and just fly with it. The flight home was more difficult, frightening, and tiring.

I realize now that I must work hard to have a family that is so easy to love. Wandering away for excitement isn't a bad thing as long as I tell them what I am doing so they can leave a trail for me to find my way back. Much of my family could have learned from my successes and failures if I had only stayed in sight.

For that I have to apologize.

I can't say that this old bird isn't going to fly again but I can guarantee that I will never take off without a scheduled landing, and someone to pick me up at the airport (so to speak)