The Power of Guilt

My horoscope said I wasn't supposed to talk about my past today unless I am willing to take it all the way to the finish. I think whoever reads this can talk to me about anything and openly. I don't bite and I wont run anymore. So here goes.

Have you ever been guilted into doing something or done something strictly out of guilt? Have you ever found it to have a good outcome? I don't think I have ever had things I do out of guilt to ever have a good outcome. My feelings get in the way and I start to resent or question my motives and gosh what a mess things become.

My upbringing was nothing but guilt. It never reared its ugly head like it did on TV shows, but it was there.

"Love is: never having to ask someone to take out the garbage." So if you walk into the kitchen and find the can overflowing and it is your job to take out the trash, you missed an opportunity to express love by having the trash can full. Hows that for guilt? Pretty powerful huh? That's how I grew up. Love meant you had to "do" something for someone and if it didn't get done you didn't love that person. Dishes, dusting, mowing the lawn, feeding the dogs, cleaning out the cat box were all expressions of love.
I believe that my mother got love and support/care confused. She assumed that if someone didn't feed their child they didn't love them. What if the parent of a child, because of lack of money, couldn't afford to feed their child? In my mothers eyes it was lack of love. "If a parent loves a child then they wont have the child until they are able to care for it properly. If a parent has a child and cannot care for it and wont find a way to care for it then the parent does not love the child." This thinking is pure guilt. None of my children were planned and, without someone to support me, I had no way to support them. I didn't know how to support myself or my children. It does not mean I don't love them.

My family is riddled with guilt. It is so sad to see. There are to many "I'm sorry" statements and not enough "I love you" statements. Why should we be sorry? We are who we are and we should accept things for the way things are and go from here. There is no "making up for lost time". There is no "do over". We have one life and why do something out of or because of guilt?

Guilt is of the past. Love and joy are in the present. If you see someone with love you will see them for who they are and not what they could or should have been, or even what they could be. Love is in the now.

I would like to say:

Derick, Devin, Dalton, Brian, Kathleen, Tim, Aunt Millie, Greg, Melinda, Beth, Leslie, Aunt Kathy, Linda, Bill, Sara, Tori, Ava, Colin, Braden and Alec (who isn't even born yet) and all the cousins I haven't got a chance to meet or know very well.....

Life is kind of funny. It can be so fragile and short. We never seem to take the time to live in the now. Its always is about "We should have... Remember when... It's a shame that...Someday if...Maybe when..." Today I am throwing all those feelings away. I love my family for who you are, how you are, why you are, today. It doesn't matter if you talk to me or not. I love you, each and every one of you, without guilt, without regret, without a possible future....but today.

look ma no glasses

After 47 years of not knowing what the world looks like in single vision. After 47 years of not having any depth perception I now can see distance. I can see. I see because of the care and concern and understanding of a doctor who knew how bad my eyes were. I have stitches in my eyes. My eyes are blood red and watering. But I can see. The world is a new and interesting place. In 2 days I embark on a new life. A life of sight. Art has been but a mere dream until now. I have new eyes and now a new life in a world of shadow and light as well as color. The wonder of the world that most dont have is now mine for the taking.

new guide?

For the past month I have been inundated with spiders. They seem to be everywhere. I didn't think a thing of it until I went to Florida to visit my brother. My visit was a two fold visit. I needed to see him to reunite as a family, but I also needed to find out more about a business. With the extra time away from the business, we went on a nature walk. I was told to expect to see birds, butterflies, lizards, crabs and spiders. What was so impressive was not just the amount of spiders but the massive size of them. As if they were screaming at me. Anyway, the visit went very well and I didn't want it to end. I came home when the weekend was over and got back into my routine. Sitting in the living room spending time on the laptop as I do daily, more spiders started crawling all over me. I have never been bitten. Doug made mention I might have a new guide. With that notion I looked it up.

Spider totem speaks of weaving the knowledge of the past to the possibilities of the future. Spider also reminds us that we don't have to be tied to what people think of us but to be open for new experiences to become whole.

I don't know about you but the uncanny timing of all these spiders is remarkable. I see myself as an artist/spiritualist. I dress as expected, in long flowing easy clothing reminiscent of the hippies of the sixties. I think of myself as most would think of me, kind of trippy and not always intelligent when it comes to things like math. During the business meetings I found myself grasping things that most (including me) would think I would struggle with. I went shopping in the elite shopping spots and loved it, which is also against what I am supposed to "stand for". I have a love for nature and a love for urban living. It would seem I am being shown that this is supposed to happen for me. I don't have to fit into a perfect box set out for the hippie artist. I have so many things I love and put aside because it is not "expected" of me. I still don't like diamonds. And roses just to have them in a vase is a waste, but I do love the Gothic youth, heavy make up, dyed black hair, short skirts and torn up T-shirts. I do love the flowing dresses and big bulky semi precious stone jewelry too. These things are just my personality trying to get out and make itself known. They represent the very essence of me. I am extreme in my tastes and don't much care for anything that makes a bland statement. THAT is who I am, not hippie, not goth, not simpleton, not occultist. I am a tarty smarty who is learning to stand loud and proud. I am orange not beige, I am the red door on a log home.

I smell a shift coming and I'm sure some people from my past are not going to like it. I am growing, I have to grow, I cannot stand stagnant and let life pass me by. People tend not to like the unfamiliar. When I notice something needs to change I don't do it slowly for others to keep up. I do it quickly for me because I don't like spending time in a rut if I know the rut is there. Spider has reminded me that what people have thought of me in the past is not who I am and to stop allowing a memory to dictate who I will become. I can be an artist/business person with a mind of my own willing to adapt to the thoughts of the future and still stay true to my spiritual practice. I doubt it is going to be easy, but what is good that ever came easy?

Springfest 2011

Wow what a time I had. my heart was warmed by Beth Patterson and Selena Fox. The energy combined couldnt have been better paired.

Dancing the May Pole to bring in the warmth of spring and burning of the boogie to say goodbye to winter was a thrill.

I learned a lot in my visit and I am excited to consider the idea of starting my own tradition. I was told I need to do that. There will be more posts in the future. Between starting school in a couple of weeks and now this. I am going to be very busy. I am so energized for it all, thanks to the folks and teachings out at the nest!

Light And Dark

In a world so conflicted with the thought of right and wrong, good and bad and high and low Magic has been mislabeled. It would seem that those who practice spirit control and necromancy are bad witches and of the dark side. Those of us who practice herbal medicine, healing, and protection are of the light or white magic types.

I have a big problem with this thinking. How on earth can you know how to control a spirit unless you have first spoken with it and gotten to know how it can be controlled? How is it that someone would know how to protect against the "dark" magic unless they know how to use it themselves?

People think that the study of a certain kind of magic is all that is needed. They are wrong. Magic is magic, The study of magic includes ALL of the practices. This is why people who do not practice it fear those who do. But it is the same in all walks of life. A lawyer can prosecute you just as easily as they can defend you. A doctor knows how to kill you just as he knows how to save you. They know how to do both right? Magic is the same way. It is not the type of magic but the type of person that dictates style of the magic. There are those who practice for the betterment of people and in the interest in balancing against those who are in it for selfish reasons.

If you have to ask "are you a good witch or a bad witch?" you might as well ask them the nature of their very being. Are you a selfish person only looking out for the things you want? In which case, who would want to be around them no matter their practice or religious beliefs?

Pagans need to stop all the pointing of fingers and realize that people are people and we dont need to punish a practice with a less than desirable name just because they dont agree with the practitioner. If you dont like a practitioner name the person not the practice.

Mothers Day Again

I sit here hoping for a call from one of my children on this day. I don't get a call for my birthday either. But I hope one day it will come.

I love my kids even if they don't remember, even if they don't want to talk to me. I love my kids so much I had to make a sacrifice. They needed a home and food. I couldn't provide that for them. I wanted to more than anything in the world. I didn't know how. Yes they can blame me for that I suppose. I suppose I should have known how to provide for them before I had them. I didn't know, and for that I am sorry. I did my best with what I had. The problem is I didn't have much. I am sorry I didn't have the knowledge to provide for my children. It doesn't mean I love them any less. Not having them live with me is the most difficult, heart breaking, mind splitting, almost impossible thing I have ever had to go through.

Being a mother is the hardest thing in the world to be. We see our children hurt and we have to teach them that this is a part of life even if we think it shouldn't have to be this way. We see our children march off to war knowing that if they come back alive they will never be the same. We see our children raise their children knowing the possibility of what happened to me could happen to them. As mothers we stand in hope, we stand in peace we stand to teach. we stand for love, however difficult it might be.

so I sit here waiting for a call, hoping... hoping...hoping

You make me.....

I really have a hard time breaking the habit in saying "you make me..." So many times in a day someone will do something that I react to.

I have come to the conclusion that my feelings are my choice. I can be angry about something and I can be happy about something but nobody "makes" me be anything. I have free will. I dont have a mental illness in which I have no control over my actions and reactions. I have to take responsibility about how I feel.
There are some things that will invoke anger in almost anyone. Injustice and harm to others are the two things that come to mind. But being angry and how I react is on me not on the perpetrator.

This week Osama Bin Laden was murdered as he was holding his youngest wife as a human shield. Half of the world has been hunting him like a dog after a rabbit. When I first heard the news I was relieved. My children are soldiers and I worry daily for their safety. Then after about an hour I watched the news in horror. Thousands of people celebrating a murder. I understand the relief, but cheering over such a thing brought tears flowing. Was Osama correct in saying we are a barbaric people?

I found myself at a loss for words and not understanding my emotions. Nobody made me feel anything. I was experiencing a feeling all of my own. I felt out of place in the land I live and yet somehow felt responsible. After all, I am a military brat, married a military man and bore two military children. I am a product of my country. I cant help but think how Osama felt. He too was a product of his land, his military, his faith. Are we do different?

Again I find myself looking to my emotions and finding myself responsible. I will not cheer, I will not celebrate. I cannot be "happy" about a murder. I understand it, dont get me wrong. For me it is like seeing the biggest, oldest bear in the forest gone rabid. He is strong, wise, and king where he lives. He is sick and will go rouge. He will destroy and sicken more bears if he isnt killed. He has had a long life that was successful and now its at an end.

For that I feel relieved its over and sad it had to be done... That is on me.