thoughts during depression

Some times there isn't much to write about. Its was raining this morning and cloudy. Now the sun is out but clouds are still lingering. The birds are singing. I wonder if I should go out so I could feel like singing too. Its been a stressful week. A murderer was on the loose and ran into the neighborhood in which I live. The sheriffs office called and told us to get indoors and lock everything up. I was outwardly nervous but inwardly in a full panic. My poor stomach suffers from my reactions to stress. I sit now after the thug has been caught, trying to calm my nerves. Today is Wednesday. The trash gets picked up and the weekly shopping ads will be in the mail. Ghost Hunters will be on tonight as well as American Idol. Right now there is a documentary about artists of the punk era. They are so famous now. Innovative and creative, striking images with thought provoking words being spoken.

Today is much like any other day, no, any other Wednesday in this country, in this town, during this decade. I feel small today. Unimportant to anyone. Anyone but the dogs who rely on me to feed them. Unimportant. That is a strange word. I should put the wet laundry into the dryer. Yes today is like any other Wednesday. This documentary is inspiring.

I sit here thinking of other Wednesdays.....and I become infinite with time. Why do we artists have such foul language? Are we that frustrated? Yes yes we are. I wonder if I need medication for my moods? Will they make me less artistic? I couldn't bare that. My nails are getting long. What a mess that is going to be when I pick up the brush again. Paint under the fingernails is not clean but could be interesting. My dogs are sleeping in a yin yang position. I wonder if there is a reason for that. What do dogs dream about.

Gah! Wednesdays. Im bored, uninspired, depressed and in a nervous state. How droll.

What I Am To the People I Know

A good friend of mine made a very interesting comment today. He realized that he has many friends and family and all have gathered to his social networking page. He told everyone that he loves us for who we are, then named what we are. He made the announcement that if we were all in the same room it would be world war three. He doesn't know how he can have so many friends from so many different walks of life.

I am of the same thinking in the same kind of situation. I have Christians, Pagans, Heathens, Left wing, Right wing, Liberal, Tree hugging, Capitalist, prudes and kinky people in my life. I cannot imagine having them all in the same room for me and because of me without someone hurting someone else's feelings over one opinion or another.

What does this say of me? Am I lying to myself about who I am? Am I a culmination of all these people? How do I relate in so many different ways?

If they can love me for who I am and accept me as I am then why cant they get along together if I am bits and parts of pieces in all of them? Are they lying to me? If so which ones? Gah. Its a conundrum.

......people wonder why I struggle with myself? (thats funny)

In short I am Tank Girl. I am cute, nasty, sexy, smart, ditzy, strong, and stupid, loved by geeks, dweebs, stoners, conservatives and church goers. I love pain but hate to be treated badly. I have a smart disgusting mouth and a heart of gold. I am both ugly and good looking, happy and pissed off.

how many of you are the same way?

Murder she writes.

Here it is another new year in New Orleans. Friday the 13th. I cry for the city I live in and love. The AP has posted an article about how the murder rates are down. I cry.

This week there has been several shootings in this city. Men, women and children all dead. Sadly this is not uncommon. We have 11 deaths in 13 days, but wait. This day is not over and it is the weekend. My heart sinks.

Many people have blamed the police and drugs and gangs and other things for the killings. I blame the total lack of respect for life. The reason people are being killed at such an alarming rate is because there isn't a way to live a life worth loving for these people. Lets face it we as a society have always thought less of those who live in the poorer sections of the city. We have placed this disrespect on them. They are angry and have a right to be. I feel for these men women and children. Though my pity means nothing, I cant help but feel it.

Don't get me wrong. If faced with one of these "thugs" I would be no different than the next person. Fight or flight. But looking at it from a short distance I see the problem. How does society teach that life is worth living and can be better living in broken down homes, no jobs to be had, in and around horrible people doing horrible things? How do you say "there is another way" and reach these people who are so proud and are dealing drugs and finally able to buy a car and pay the rent? How can you say STOP its better to be homeless.

The drug cartels have reached them with money and work. Its not legal but it is a way to provide for their families. Now they are caught up in a horrible cycle. They didn't sell out, they didn't have a choice. It is said education is the way out. Really? How many college graduates do you know who can't find a job? What would you do if you couldn't afford to keep your house and feed your family? What would you do if you lived on the edge of a turf war and a group of people stormed your house that your grandfather built, and said you had to sell drugs or die? What would you do? It is not the street people who are the problem. How do we stop this? Cut the snake of at the head. Where is the head? Who has the most money? Who is protected by both the law and people? Think about it.

I cry for these people. With a history, rich in culture and a spiritual practice that the streets seem to be swallowing up. I pray for them nightly and hope one day life can be happy for them, because some have never known happiness.

change

If you want something different, change what you take.

If you want something different for someone else, change what you give.

If you dont like "what is", stop complaining about "what was" and change what "could be" so it doesnt repeat.

Change!

Stop thinking people can read your mind and change things they way you want.

Be proactive in your own life.

Take control.

The end of the year

Here it is just a day away. I find myself rather annoyed but hopeful. I was just reading an article about what men dont like a woman to wear. It wasnt the article that bothered me so much as it was the comments. One girl said that we need to listen to the straight men commenting because its mostly gay men in fashion making the choices for us and gay men dont have our best interest at heart.

What I want to know is who is teaching these young ladies that ANYONE has their best interest at heart but themselves? Good grief! I know that I have posted on this topic before but holy cow Im really thinking we are doomed if this is the way we are training our kids to think. I am floored.

I want young people to follow the free thinkers, have original ideas, create, discover, and teach us what they know. I want them to be fearless in conviction and not afraid to buck the system.

So for the new year this is my one and only wish. That opinions turn to spines and balls, and people will be who they are and not what others want them to be.

Grave Walking

I have been walking a few of the cemeteries here in town and have had some very interesting experiences. It would seem that someone in the St Louis Cemetery #1 doesnt like vertical pictures taken. My camera malfunctioned. My wish was redirected and granted just as soon as I made it. I cannot be thankful enough for such a quick answer. Holt cemetery has touched me in a way I wasnt sure I could be touched. There is something deeply disturbing and thought provoking there. Corvid came and gave me what I was looking for there. The Metairie cemetery felt cold and yet still mysterious.

I wont go into my personal experiences in depth because I am still sorting them out and I may have been touched in a way that shouldnt be spoken of.

I can say this, I have been deeply moved by what I have seen and felt. I have had a euphoric feeling that wont stop, and Im not sure I want it to. The next step on my path is both a cautious one and final. I have to build the courage to do it.

pressing onward

I went to a book signing tonight and was pleasantly surprised at the content. I believe I know the next step I should take on my spiritual path. Its something I really have always wanted to do but never trusted the light hearted folks to guide me on this path. I am by no means a light heart or even light in spirit. I choose to do and be what my mind and sound reasoning thinks is best. So, I am going down a path that is not for everyone. I will post results of my practice as it continues. Yay my spiritual size is BACK!