Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
I hate PTSD and I hate nighmares
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I swear there is nothing worse than waking up in tears in the middle of the night. The following day is so confusing. First I want to just sleep. Then I want to cry it out. Then I know I need to get up and act like a normal human being like nothing is wrong with me. Sometimes life just gets in the way of emotions and then sometimes emotions get in the way of life. Today is a day everything is all mixed up of both and I dont know which way to turn.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
what a typical ass
The minute he knows Im gone he is all over me trying to get my attention. Where was this attention for the last 5 years? PLEASE! spare me the attention whore ways. Its not about him, its never been about him. If he wanted it about him, he should have been honest and started off that way. I got no problem dealing with a man whore. I got a problem with liars and people who neglect me to be with someone else while they say their neglect is love. There is nothing worse than living with someone and never being spoken to unless its about his job or the car or food. There was no room in his life for me then and now all of a sudden he makes room? OH HELL NO!
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Vacation Time
Boy did I need this time. Im learning how to be myself again. I have found that I can be very happy being me. I will have to remember to be myself all the time. I am tired of trying to be someone else "as expected". Fuck that shit! Love me for who I am or dont. Do not try and force me to be someone I am not. I might be stupid enough to give it a try but I can place a bet 100 to 1 that not only will I fail, but you wont like the results either.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Friday, May 30, 2014
#YesAllWomen #NotAllMen ... scattered thoughts on gender equality
OH holy hell what a can of worms this murdering sick minded scum of the earth has opened up. Yes you heard me. I don't care if he was mentally ill or what. He was a sick son of a bitch and his parents are sick too. He didn't get those ideas out of thin air ya know.
I have been reading and reading and reading all week. One story after another about how men cannot accept the idea they are jerks at the least and murderers at the worst. Do you know why they can't understand? Because we as women swallow their bullshit out of fear. Look I know this is hard to to read but let me give you some history here. I was raised to think men were more important and I needed one to take care of me by a woman who didn't want to have a man in her life. (see the irony there?) I was taught to believe women should be in servitude to men. So many women think this way and it has created some serious flaws in male thought processes.
Because of being raised this way, I am a survivor of 19 rapes and beatings over a 20 year period of time. I was hunted down because I pissed off the wrong guy. The thing is, they are ALL the wrong guy. Any man can snap, even the nice ones. What stopped the crap was me getting mad. I don't mean mad at men. I mean mad at myself. When I was being raped I never fought back so I would survive. I told myself to just ride it out and I would live to see another day. What I didn't know is that I could fight back and WIN.
Now, fast forward. Today I am married to a man who thinks I am a trophy. Things haven't changed all that much with me... until now. I am furious with myself for allowing my life to be ruined by men who keep me back from experiencing what life really has to offer me. I am ready to be a warrior. I am not saying that I will not fear men. I will fear them plenty. What I am saying is that I will take my fear and use it to fight back. Live, be hurt, or die, I will fight back. If it means divorce then so be it. If it means I live alone, then so be it. It is more important to be a full human being than a safe little flower kept away from living and being whole.
We need to take responsibility for our own ignorance. How many women have put on that low cut top or those mini skirts HOPING it will attract a man because you were wanting sex that night? How many of you smile at cat calls because you think "you still got it". Lets face it, we women were taught that much of our self confidences fall on whether or not we are desirable to a man. No its not right. I agree! It is so wrong and sick its beyond sad. But that doesn't mean it isn't a fact. Don't get me wrong, I am furious at my mother for teaching me what she was not living herself. I am furious for the way society placed my importance on having a man in my life. (see previous posts on sexual identity struggles) I am furious at myself for acting weaker than I am. I am furious at the men who took advantage of my low self esteem and lack of knowledge.
There is a HUGE issue with the entire topic of conversation. Sex is always a huge issue. How to get it, when to get it, how it should be done, facts, fiction, fantasy, the list is endless. The question I am trying to ask is....
How does a person engage sexual activity without engaging in inequality. Just asking a person if they are interested in seeing someone, can be experienced as to forward a question.
There are centuries of inequality lessons and teaching to cut through. Women tend to be weaker, men stronger physically, and yet I believe mentally its the exact opposite. For the most part, they equal each other out. If only we would recognize it and respect both our weaknesses and strengths. Perhaps this is what needs to be taught in the future to change how we approach equality. Teach that everyone is important and everyone has weaknesses including you.
I have been reading and reading and reading all week. One story after another about how men cannot accept the idea they are jerks at the least and murderers at the worst. Do you know why they can't understand? Because we as women swallow their bullshit out of fear. Look I know this is hard to to read but let me give you some history here. I was raised to think men were more important and I needed one to take care of me by a woman who didn't want to have a man in her life. (see the irony there?) I was taught to believe women should be in servitude to men. So many women think this way and it has created some serious flaws in male thought processes.
Because of being raised this way, I am a survivor of 19 rapes and beatings over a 20 year period of time. I was hunted down because I pissed off the wrong guy. The thing is, they are ALL the wrong guy. Any man can snap, even the nice ones. What stopped the crap was me getting mad. I don't mean mad at men. I mean mad at myself. When I was being raped I never fought back so I would survive. I told myself to just ride it out and I would live to see another day. What I didn't know is that I could fight back and WIN.
Now, fast forward. Today I am married to a man who thinks I am a trophy. Things haven't changed all that much with me... until now. I am furious with myself for allowing my life to be ruined by men who keep me back from experiencing what life really has to offer me. I am ready to be a warrior. I am not saying that I will not fear men. I will fear them plenty. What I am saying is that I will take my fear and use it to fight back. Live, be hurt, or die, I will fight back. If it means divorce then so be it. If it means I live alone, then so be it. It is more important to be a full human being than a safe little flower kept away from living and being whole.
We need to take responsibility for our own ignorance. How many women have put on that low cut top or those mini skirts HOPING it will attract a man because you were wanting sex that night? How many of you smile at cat calls because you think "you still got it". Lets face it, we women were taught that much of our self confidences fall on whether or not we are desirable to a man. No its not right. I agree! It is so wrong and sick its beyond sad. But that doesn't mean it isn't a fact. Don't get me wrong, I am furious at my mother for teaching me what she was not living herself. I am furious for the way society placed my importance on having a man in my life. (see previous posts on sexual identity struggles) I am furious at myself for acting weaker than I am. I am furious at the men who took advantage of my low self esteem and lack of knowledge.
There is a HUGE issue with the entire topic of conversation. Sex is always a huge issue. How to get it, when to get it, how it should be done, facts, fiction, fantasy, the list is endless. The question I am trying to ask is....
How does a person engage sexual activity without engaging in inequality. Just asking a person if they are interested in seeing someone, can be experienced as to forward a question.
There are centuries of inequality lessons and teaching to cut through. Women tend to be weaker, men stronger physically, and yet I believe mentally its the exact opposite. For the most part, they equal each other out. If only we would recognize it and respect both our weaknesses and strengths. Perhaps this is what needs to be taught in the future to change how we approach equality. Teach that everyone is important and everyone has weaknesses including you.
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