thoughts during depression

Some times there isn't much to write about. Its was raining this morning and cloudy. Now the sun is out but clouds are still lingering. The birds are singing. I wonder if I should go out so I could feel like singing too. Its been a stressful week. A murderer was on the loose and ran into the neighborhood in which I live. The sheriffs office called and told us to get indoors and lock everything up. I was outwardly nervous but inwardly in a full panic. My poor stomach suffers from my reactions to stress. I sit now after the thug has been caught, trying to calm my nerves. Today is Wednesday. The trash gets picked up and the weekly shopping ads will be in the mail. Ghost Hunters will be on tonight as well as American Idol. Right now there is a documentary about artists of the punk era. They are so famous now. Innovative and creative, striking images with thought provoking words being spoken.

Today is much like any other day, no, any other Wednesday in this country, in this town, during this decade. I feel small today. Unimportant to anyone. Anyone but the dogs who rely on me to feed them. Unimportant. That is a strange word. I should put the wet laundry into the dryer. Yes today is like any other Wednesday. This documentary is inspiring.

I sit here thinking of other Wednesdays.....and I become infinite with time. Why do we artists have such foul language? Are we that frustrated? Yes yes we are. I wonder if I need medication for my moods? Will they make me less artistic? I couldn't bare that. My nails are getting long. What a mess that is going to be when I pick up the brush again. Paint under the fingernails is not clean but could be interesting. My dogs are sleeping in a yin yang position. I wonder if there is a reason for that. What do dogs dream about.

Gah! Wednesdays. Im bored, uninspired, depressed and in a nervous state. How droll.

What I Am To the People I Know

A good friend of mine made a very interesting comment today. He realized that he has many friends and family and all have gathered to his social networking page. He told everyone that he loves us for who we are, then named what we are. He made the announcement that if we were all in the same room it would be world war three. He doesn't know how he can have so many friends from so many different walks of life.

I am of the same thinking in the same kind of situation. I have Christians, Pagans, Heathens, Left wing, Right wing, Liberal, Tree hugging, Capitalist, prudes and kinky people in my life. I cannot imagine having them all in the same room for me and because of me without someone hurting someone else's feelings over one opinion or another.

What does this say of me? Am I lying to myself about who I am? Am I a culmination of all these people? How do I relate in so many different ways?

If they can love me for who I am and accept me as I am then why cant they get along together if I am bits and parts of pieces in all of them? Are they lying to me? If so which ones? Gah. Its a conundrum.

......people wonder why I struggle with myself? (thats funny)

In short I am Tank Girl. I am cute, nasty, sexy, smart, ditzy, strong, and stupid, loved by geeks, dweebs, stoners, conservatives and church goers. I love pain but hate to be treated badly. I have a smart disgusting mouth and a heart of gold. I am both ugly and good looking, happy and pissed off.

how many of you are the same way?

Murder she writes.

Here it is another new year in New Orleans. Friday the 13th. I cry for the city I live in and love. The AP has posted an article about how the murder rates are down. I cry.

This week there has been several shootings in this city. Men, women and children all dead. Sadly this is not uncommon. We have 11 deaths in 13 days, but wait. This day is not over and it is the weekend. My heart sinks.

Many people have blamed the police and drugs and gangs and other things for the killings. I blame the total lack of respect for life. The reason people are being killed at such an alarming rate is because there isn't a way to live a life worth loving for these people. Lets face it we as a society have always thought less of those who live in the poorer sections of the city. We have placed this disrespect on them. They are angry and have a right to be. I feel for these men women and children. Though my pity means nothing, I cant help but feel it.

Don't get me wrong. If faced with one of these "thugs" I would be no different than the next person. Fight or flight. But looking at it from a short distance I see the problem. How does society teach that life is worth living and can be better living in broken down homes, no jobs to be had, in and around horrible people doing horrible things? How do you say "there is another way" and reach these people who are so proud and are dealing drugs and finally able to buy a car and pay the rent? How can you say STOP its better to be homeless.

The drug cartels have reached them with money and work. Its not legal but it is a way to provide for their families. Now they are caught up in a horrible cycle. They didn't sell out, they didn't have a choice. It is said education is the way out. Really? How many college graduates do you know who can't find a job? What would you do if you couldn't afford to keep your house and feed your family? What would you do if you lived on the edge of a turf war and a group of people stormed your house that your grandfather built, and said you had to sell drugs or die? What would you do? It is not the street people who are the problem. How do we stop this? Cut the snake of at the head. Where is the head? Who has the most money? Who is protected by both the law and people? Think about it.

I cry for these people. With a history, rich in culture and a spiritual practice that the streets seem to be swallowing up. I pray for them nightly and hope one day life can be happy for them, because some have never known happiness.

change

If you want something different, change what you take.

If you want something different for someone else, change what you give.

If you dont like "what is", stop complaining about "what was" and change what "could be" so it doesnt repeat.

Change!

Stop thinking people can read your mind and change things they way you want.

Be proactive in your own life.

Take control.