this is a safety post for my sanity

Nikki: feb,19 2012 249pm
if you hear from Derick let me know. I have an open case with missing persons cause hes actually missing <3 Alecs Mommy <3

Me:
what do you mean he is missing? Since when

Nikki:
8pm last night he was on his way to a friends and never showd up and none of his friends have seen or heard from him <3 Alecs Mommy <3

Me:
thats not missing yet. He's been known to take off for days

Nikki:
The pd here said it is since he left his wallet and phone and has been depressed. they filed the report an hour ago <3 Alecs Mommy <3

Me
Ok if I hear anything I will let you know....check the local crack houses n stuff....he doesnt do crack but he might be seeking some pot and booze to self medicate. They give it to him for free

Nikki:
Not around here he wont get it free. And we have friend who smoke him up. And we dont really have crack houses around here. <3 Alecs Mommy<3

Me:
Lol if you say so. He is either running or scoring. I thought it odd he didnt talk to me on fb tho

Nikki:
Ive been the one jacking his account and he read ur message. He doesnt call neone back. <3 Alecs Mommy <3

Me:
pffft. then its on him. He has the will to live. He just doent want the haasles of it.

806pm

Me: any news?

Nikki:
No <3 Alecs Mommy <3

Me:
Please let me know. I cant be in his life but I care about it. I am worried sick

Nikki:
Me too <3 Alecs Mommy <3

Call this number and talk to him i know hes there but hes in danger there (insert phone number here)

____________

ok so I called the number. a drunk sounding girl answered the phone but she hadnt seen Derick in a couple of days. She sounded about like me and worried sick.
__________________

Me:
Hen not there. Hasnt been there in a couple of days

Nikki:
HE IS AT FUCKING RABBITS JESUS CHRIST <3 Alecs Mommy <3

Me:
rabbits?

Nikki:
(insert phone number here) i saw him through a window he is there <3 Alecs Mommy <3

Me:
Then not to worry. As long as he is alive. Call the cops and let them know hes ok

Nikki:
Hes not ok there amy! They have meth and warrents and so does derick and the cops are going over there in the am <3 Alecs Mommy <3

Me:
So call the cops now, its the best thing for him

Nikki:
Yeah im sure jail for 3 years is in his or alecs best intrest <3 Alecs Mommy <3

Me:
Trust me, I hate seeing him like this but its jail or death and I choose jail. My brother lost his wife to that. Love is not easy and doing the right thing is so hard. Help him clean up. Call the cops. He wont stop using unless given no choice. Meaning someone has to have control over his every move.




She never texted back after that. There was a lot of drama on facebook on Dericks account. By the time I got online she had supposedly given back Dericks account and erased 101 messages. She posted this:

Dear Derick Halladay I've removed myself from your fb, my posts, my comments and my profile... The only one I left was about Alecs birth. I'm sorry for everything and you are just never going to believe me. All I wanted was for you to come home with me and Alexander Halladay and be a family. I begged and pleaded and you win. I tried texting and it failed as usual. I'm changing my number I don't want your friends having it anymore. I cant handle all the texts ive recieved today doing exactly what you told me to do. I love you Derick I love you so much and it's killing me you being gone. I want you to love me and I dont think you ever will. I'm so sorry for everything... ~love always, Nicole Lynne Tangen

I posted to Dericks FB page:

she had your mom scared to death...grrrr Ill be nice cuz Im on facebook but you KNOW what Im thinkin.... GRRRRRRRR


next thing I know I get a text from Nikki.

Nikki: Feb 21 1113pm 2012
Just so you know madam i didnt make any of that up. Derick and hid lies had you worried. Im not the bad guy in this.



So this is where I stand:

Derick has still not talked to me so I have no idea if he is alive or dead. I cant tell if its him or that psycho woman he had a baby with on facebook. I am being talked in circles and webs so idiotic I want to go up there and shake my finger at someone. Sheesh what a mess. The one I feel the most sorry for is the baby. There is no way out for him. There is no escape for peace. Dear God rescue that baby. I can only pray for lil Alexander my grandson...

Missing

It would seem that my son is missing. I dont know if he is hiding or out getting drunk or whatever. He is not talking to me or anyone else that I know of and the police are looking for him.

I am over it. I am tired of hurting, feeling like a part of me is dying, and wishing it would all be over. Its time for me to end this insane hope that one day my kids will love me again. They wont. They are mentally unstable, over emotional and confused about everything. Their lives and the lives of their children are forever affected by the insanity that was created by the way they were raised. maniacal is the only word I can use to describe the actions of the those responsible.

I can only be responsible for what I didnt do, and that was knowing how to kick evil to the curb when I had a chance. For that I am sorry.

sketching from memory

This week I have been trying to sketch my most memorable visions. It is a difficult task. My hand cannot keep up with the memories so the sketches are not very good. Drawing these visions brings back all the emotions attached to them. I shouldn't try to rush the drawings but there is a need and anxiousness to get them on paper. I can only imagine why.