Bucket List

I have been giving a lot of thought as to the things I would like to see be done before I depart this realm. Some of the things that are "supposed" to be done in life just don't seem to matter when I think of the things I feel my spirit pleading to do.

1 get a headstone for mom
2 visit Arlington and tell daddy I know most of the truth and how much I appreciate him.
3 visit Africa.
4 write my book
5 live in the moment as much as possible (doing this list is NOT living in the moment LOL)


That's it, It's not a very big list. The amount of money and time it would take to complete it, consumes my head to the point of anxiety.

Nit Picking

Once again I am posting personal opinion and logic concerning personality types I tend to come across. Have you ever come across a person who says you need to open your mind and see things their way? Boy I sure have. At least once a week someone says to me my mind is closed to their point of view.

I don't know if my mind is closed to the possibility of their truth, I just don't agree with it. If it works for them, fine! Then you have those folks who tell me that they have the right way of thinking and I am wrong and I need to change my mind. Meanwhile either types of these personalities refuse to see my perspective and my logic as my truth. It is a complete lack of respect to me and my experiences. Why must I agree with someone to hear them? There is no real proof of most of what I do. There is only unexplained results or lack of results. Nobody knows why somethings happen. Nobody can explain a ghost, or the ways of the psychics, or the healing performed by a shaman. Nobody can explain why curses or prayer works... it just does.

I suppose that I could open my mind more to science but in my experiences those who practice science spend way to much time trying to make sense of me and my practice and when they cant make heads or tails out of it they ask me to change so they CAN understand me. Science also spends way to much time guessing when they can't accept "what is". I wouldn't normally have a problem with it but most of the time because it is science and labeled "educational" it is taken to be the truth when in fact they are just making it up as they go with hypothesis and theory. Drawn conclusions of things that cannot be explained is dangerous and misleading.

We don't have to understand anything we only have to accept the possibilities of all things. With acceptance leads to understanding and understanding leads to knowledge and knowledge leads to education education leads to truth. Not the other way around.

Oklahoma Tornado

Well, another tragic storm killing many people. They were warned the day before that this could happen. My gut sank when I got up yesterday morning. I didn't know why until the storm hit. I hate that I can feel the mourning before it happens. I hate that I can feel the fear. Since Katrina, I have learned to try and block as much out as I can but some times it just isn't possible. Today my head pounds. The pressure is changing outside. I know most people think I am crazy but I know the truth. It will rain. I fear sudden weather changes. I fear more storms will rip through populated areas. I don't know if it is fear, or "that feeling" of a truth yet to happen.

I wish I had training and guidance on how to read my own intuition.

Induced Trance

I have written before about the topic of pain induced trance. Here is how it went down for me last Saturday.

I was invited to a party in honor of a distinguished gentleman who had come to visit our town. I couldn't wait to get to this party because I knew everyone would be there. I was hoping to see the guest of honor in action and wasn't expecting to get mush of my own at all. As the evening pressed on and the party started to get into swing, She showed up. This beautiful young and talented Domme rope rigger. My last meeting with her turned my life upside down in the best possible way, and all she did was speak to me. She was carrying her gear and my mind started to race.

Do I speak to her about how I felt? We exchanged notes but she didn't reply to the last one. I don't even know if she got it. It isn't like I want her for a girl friend, she is far to young for me. I just want her to know how grateful I am for her kind words of wisdom and nothing more.

I was standing close to the end of the greeting line and she reaches for me to hug me. I ask her if she got my letter and she said yes. My mind started to race again. What she must think of this old fool. She, once again, told me how beautiful I was from the inside and told me not to forget it. With that she moved to the next party guest like she was royalty. Damn how I wish I had it together as much as she does at her age. Such grace and dignity. She knows how to handle herself so well.

And the party heated up...

I had been drinking that evening. I was not drunk, but feeling pretty good. I felt relaxed enough to be myself and not be stupid, which is a rare event for me. I am watching various scenes of BDSM and wondering what is in store for me if anything. My husband sometimes gets bored and tired at night so I never know what to expect. As I am watching a particularly gentle scene, my husband comes up to me and grabs my arm. I thought, oh boy here we go another flogging on the rack. He stands me in the middle of the room and She takes a step forward to ask Him to put the ropes in the hooks high above my head. She looks at me and says, "Are you ready for this?"

Everything in me became like softened clay ready to mold. I was so excited. She picked me to go first!
I watched the two of them get the rigging rings set up and only one other question was asked. "Do you have vertigo?"

"No not usually and if I do get it I know how to fix it quickly" And with that the tying began.

She lifted and tucked and poked and pinched and instead of feeling pain I felt fight. This is not usual for me. I wanted to bite her and back her up to a wall and make her fight me. Sure she could take me no problem but that was the point. I really wanted to feel like I was being topped and dominated. I stood there like the good woman I am and was bound without trouble.

The ropes felt like I was wearing a bathrobe. They were so comfortable I wasn't sure they would support me. "Lean forward" She said. And with that I was hoisted up, not far up. I wished it was higher but if it was, there would be no beating and that wouldn't be what She was looking for. She wanted to put me in a head space. What she didn't know is that this is my first suspension of any kind other than gymnastics and rope swings over the river.

First came gentle kissing of a single tale and a flogger...I was being tag teamed. OOOO another first. My hubby was co-topping! I wasn't allowed to think like I normally did. They kept me off balance the entire time. All of a sudden POP! holy hell what was that? I let out a yelp I think, I'm not quite sure. My ass stung and heated up fast, and yet...was strangely yummy feeling. Then another POP! ooooo there goes that floaty feeling. I was spun around quickly and POP! again. My head dropped, I felt it go. I was off...second star to the right and straight on til morning. She was Tinkerbell with the pixie flying dust, He was Peter Pan and I was Wendy being taken along for the ride.

Once my bruises were all symmetrical and pretty looking, the fun began. She spun me. I can honestly say even in the pain and floating and everything, I laughed. I was laughing? Wait, when did getting beaten become fun? This is serious stuff...but I am laughing! My mind was blown. Everything I knew at that moment didn't matter. Then came the hook. Not a nice hook, a mean hook! My ass is so big fining the right place to put it was difficult at best and it wasn't a pleasant experience but it did its job. It got me out of the floating head space and back to thinking again and more adrenaline kicked in with fear and pain.

When that was done with I was released. She brought me to the floor. I felt like I could sink to hell if she had let me lie down. My body was heavy and my head was spinning. Part of me wanted to go back up and another part of me wanted to just lie down. I started to shake and then another magic carpet ride. This time all the symbols and visions came. I stood there leaning on my husband trying not to collapse so She could remove all the rope, but my head was gone.

I felt like I was engulfed in white fur. I must remember. A belly spinning like a spiral and an arrow pointing down, down, down, to the left down. I must remember. It is dark but there is a glowing light behind the white fur. I must remember. A sudden roar...and I was free to lie down.

It wasn't long before I was alert again. I am thinking fifteen minutes or so. When I got up off the table, I was ready to go again. I have never felt so alive. This is one trance experience I will never forget!

She had done it again. I am not sure what the connection is but there is one. Perhaps it is the warrior spirit she has, reaching down deep within me to my spirit, bringing out what has been suppressed for so many years. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I am very strong. She showed me that I could take it and want more.

She is leaving this beautiful city to carry on with her life and love. She is leaving me a more fulfilled woman and wanting to experience more. What a gift. May She be blessed in all She does...and may She come back to visit from time to time.

expectations

In doing the work I do I have learned to expect nothing. Go into a situation with an open mind willing to learn about anything that comes my way. Spirits and nature respond better to this way of living.

There is another way of living. Rigid living. It says that everything has to be a certain way and if it isn't that way, work to obtain that way.

In a conversation with a family member last evening, I learned that some of my family is of the opinion that I need to live my life more rigidly. I need to bend to society's way go into retail sales and business. It is expected of me.
Where is the creativity in that? Who actually gains from that? How does that help others? I cannot help but be frustrated by the very idea that there is still someone around me who expects me to conform to their expectations. Just because they cannot see what I do as a way to a means, doesn't mean there is no means. Sure I have my own doubts about how the world works sometimes. I doubt my ability to support myself. But then I take a step back and look at the importance of what I do. My creature comforts are not all that much in comparison.

Here is my creed

I will work with my gifts and talents as they have been gifted to me.
I will help others to the best of my ability
I will be only who I am and nothing else
I will not deny my gifts and talents
I will continue to learn everything I can to better use my gifts and talents
I will not use my gifts for wrong doing

If this is not suitable to some and I am confronted with it, I will not engage a person in debate even if I really want to. I have to remember that some people are driven by material things. They see little value in spiritual contact. I pray for these people. I wish they didn't frustrate me so with their expectations of me.

Information Hogs

You all know that I am a fiend when it comes to information. I love to study up and read on things until all avenues are exhausted. I was looking up a couple of things yesterday and found that only one person had information on the topic I was researching. It made me ask a couple of questions.

Just what topic did I stumble onto?
Is it that rare only one person knows anything about it?
How did it happen that only one person has information on it if I am seeking it too?
Did this one person make it up to seem important to others?

It really got me to thinking about how information is handled on the internet. Its basically like a major elementary school playground. Anybody can say anything, until someone doesn't like it. Then a fight breaks out. The loser of the fight recants what they said. The winner of the fight maintains their information as the correct information to have. Unfortunately we have no playground monitor.

I cant help but think of all the BS people are swallowing as fact because of an information hog who bullies people into shutting their mouths, hacking their sites and leaving the online communities. It makes me sick.

Please don't take information online as gospel. If the information works for you, good. If it doesn't keep looking. Ask people in person. Make an appointment with someone who might have some answers. All they can say is no or if they don't have your answers, might send you to someone who does have an answer for you. Keep looking, don't settle. The internet is not the only place for information.

HAPPY BELTANE

Well another Beltane is here. I feel the hunt in my blood. I want and need a hunt for myself. The drive is there, The ability? well you know how it is when you get older. I might feel like a kid in my heart and head but the old body doesn't want to cooperate... and the story goes. Next year I will enter the crone years. I should be so seasoned that not romping around in the woods shouldn't bother me. But it does. It bothers me a lot. I want to be hunted and hunt. I want to jump the fires of lust and abandon the rules even if it is just for one night. I want to dance the May pole and tell the world I am still alive and just as good as I have ever been. Time is telling me otherwise.

I wish the most wonderful Beltane for the young folks. Live life to the fullest and fulfill your heart and satisfy your lust, so when you get to be my age you wont hunger as badly. Do it safely, be responsible, but do it. Don't be shy or scared like I was. There will be few regrets if you take care, and many fabulous stories to pass down to the younger generations who might have questions and curious minds.