The Power of Guilt

My horoscope said I wasn't supposed to talk about my past today unless I am willing to take it all the way to the finish. I think whoever reads this can talk to me about anything and openly. I don't bite and I wont run anymore. So here goes.

Have you ever been guilted into doing something or done something strictly out of guilt? Have you ever found it to have a good outcome? I don't think I have ever had things I do out of guilt to ever have a good outcome. My feelings get in the way and I start to resent or question my motives and gosh what a mess things become.

My upbringing was nothing but guilt. It never reared its ugly head like it did on TV shows, but it was there.

"Love is: never having to ask someone to take out the garbage." So if you walk into the kitchen and find the can overflowing and it is your job to take out the trash, you missed an opportunity to express love by having the trash can full. Hows that for guilt? Pretty powerful huh? That's how I grew up. Love meant you had to "do" something for someone and if it didn't get done you didn't love that person. Dishes, dusting, mowing the lawn, feeding the dogs, cleaning out the cat box were all expressions of love.
I believe that my mother got love and support/care confused. She assumed that if someone didn't feed their child they didn't love them. What if the parent of a child, because of lack of money, couldn't afford to feed their child? In my mothers eyes it was lack of love. "If a parent loves a child then they wont have the child until they are able to care for it properly. If a parent has a child and cannot care for it and wont find a way to care for it then the parent does not love the child." This thinking is pure guilt. None of my children were planned and, without someone to support me, I had no way to support them. I didn't know how to support myself or my children. It does not mean I don't love them.

My family is riddled with guilt. It is so sad to see. There are to many "I'm sorry" statements and not enough "I love you" statements. Why should we be sorry? We are who we are and we should accept things for the way things are and go from here. There is no "making up for lost time". There is no "do over". We have one life and why do something out of or because of guilt?

Guilt is of the past. Love and joy are in the present. If you see someone with love you will see them for who they are and not what they could or should have been, or even what they could be. Love is in the now.

I would like to say:

Derick, Devin, Dalton, Brian, Kathleen, Tim, Aunt Millie, Greg, Melinda, Beth, Leslie, Aunt Kathy, Linda, Bill, Sara, Tori, Ava, Colin, Braden and Alec (who isn't even born yet) and all the cousins I haven't got a chance to meet or know very well.....

Life is kind of funny. It can be so fragile and short. We never seem to take the time to live in the now. Its always is about "We should have... Remember when... It's a shame that...Someday if...Maybe when..." Today I am throwing all those feelings away. I love my family for who you are, how you are, why you are, today. It doesn't matter if you talk to me or not. I love you, each and every one of you, without guilt, without regret, without a possible future....but today.