ramble of the day

Today I was having a conversation with a friend known to be a bit of a hot head. It seems everything that he doesnt agree with upsets him to some degree. He tries so hard to be open minded but there are some places he just cant go. I love this man like I love my brother. He has trouble accepting that someone might say something bad or what might be perceived as bad and it aggravates him no end. I find that yes it is aggravating. Is it that this person (insulting) thinks so little of someone else they have to voice it? Is it that we anger over this because it is in some way true? Can someone really see this in a person and is just being honest? In that case who should we be angry at? I personally think that people put labels on others because they have to compartmentalize personalities as their own lives have been experienced. Someone might call me a bitch and fat old hag because they are used to having sweet young pretty submissive complacent women around them. either that or I remind them of someone they have already had a bad experience with. It has to reflection on me and my life what so ever. I was the same person a minute before the statement was made. It will however allow me to see them in a new light. I dont have to like what they say but what they say is just a window into their lives. It is not an easy concept. We have all had our feelings hurt by words. But I believe we need to see why it is we are upset. I cannot change what people see in me. I cannot change why they see it. I can only hope that in the end my heart will show them that perhaps they have put me in the wrong category. As for my dear sweet brother from another mother, he knows I adore him...even when he gets pissy.

Put between a rock and a hard place

This has been an unbelievable time for me. I am reeling from a predicament I was thrust into. It all started off innocently enough. A laugh here and hug there. Just as with all my friends husbands I expected the utmost honor. I was wrong. A friends husband contacted me for much much more than advice and a joke. I was put into a place where I had to tell my friend her husband is a cheat. This is not the first time this has happened to me. Men think I am cool and will "go there" just because I am open an honest about who and what I am. What they dont realize is that above all, I am honest. I have been a wife who trusted her husband who was a cheat. I have been lied to. I know what it feels like and why the wife needs to know when her husband is risking her life buy screwing around on her. I was petrified for her, for our friendship, for the group of friends I know her through, her family, and just about everything she and I have anything to do with including my reputation. I was sick for days trying to decide if I had misunderstood what went down. I re-read the conversation between us. There was no misunderstanding it. Then I thought ok maybe he was just living out a fantasy by talking to me that way. So I let it slide. I let it slide until the next time we went out and he was all over every woman but his wife. It made me sick. I knew then, what I had to do. I dont know why people do things like this. The whole thing was so insane, selfish, and hurtful. I hate what he did to her. I hate what he did to me. I hate what he did to our friendship and the friendship of the girls. I despise what he has done to his family. He reminds me so much of my ex husband. So sweet, funny, and understanding. The only thing he really understands is his sex drive, everything else is a lie. Its so sad, and infuriating. I have been crying all week.

coping

This past week I have been coping with some very chaotic energy. Someone I know close to me suffers from terrible depression. When I tried to deflect it she withdrew like an evil spirit crawling under a rock but the rock was her mind and heart. Then another friend sprawled anger during a weak moment I was having, and I blew up. I am human and I am not all powerful. I recognized it for what it was and it was coming at me from all sides. Thoughts of death that weren't mine entering my brain like flood waters creeping between the floor and walls of an old home. My foundation was firm but I thought the walls would crumble. I am coping as best I can. I wonder what I am doing to cause such an upheaval that would cause total destruction. Could it be my head washing on Saturday? The very idea I am talking common sense to someone who needs it? I must be doing something right in order to have pissed off something so ugly. But I cope. I dont know if I am equipped to handle this. I need help and I dont know who to ask.

Telling the Truth

When asked to do a tarot reading I have a little ritual I do. First I clear my mind of all the days events and fill my mind with the person who has asked me to do the reading. Then I stand in front of my tarot collection and let the decks speak to me. One deck always jumps out stronger than others for whatever reason. Today was different. Someone very dear to me asked me to do a reading for her because she said her house feels "off". I clear my mind, then concentrate on her, the stand to pick out a deck. I stood for a very long time. No deck jumped out at me. so I asked the powers that be, what gives? Then I got the answer. Two decks. I have never had to read two readings for the same person at the same time. I was so confused. I grabbed my altar cloth and did as was asked of me. I shuffled and cut the first deck, wrote down the reading and paused before I shuffled the second deck. The second reading was better defined than the first but said the same thing. Then came the hard part. Telling my dear loved one the truth of the readings. I have never had to read off something so hard in all my days. Giving someone bad news, stern warnings, and hard to hear facts difficult at best. I love this young lady with every ounce of my being and hurting her is the last thing I wanted to do. I wonder who has it hardest in times like these. but I digress. For her own sound mind I knew I had to tell her. I knew it was going to be hard for her to hear. and I knew nobody was going to like it. I can only hope that the warnings were heard as well as the love in my voice when I was trying to calm the tears. People rarely think about the consequences when they first learn to read tarot or perform divination. Nobody thinks that anything awful might happen. It does happen and you have to be prepared to speak the truth and speak it wisely. I have now had tears of joy, tears of sorrow, laughing, jumping, out and out anger, and other types of what I would call extreme emotions shown during a reading. Once I did a reading that scared me out of my mind. Its funny the things you can find out about people. Things you never want to know. However, the truth must be told and learning to do that in a way that you wont be shut out, wont be fought with about it, and accepted takes tact and a bit of knowledge in reading personalities. We cant get it right 100% of the time but we should at least try. In the end it can only do good. After all it is what the seeker seeks.