journaling

I have posted some things in the past that have hinted to my meanderings insecurities and general lack of direction. I have discovered there is a reason for this. I am in something of a mid life crisis that I seem to have been experiencing my entire life. I have no direction, no real purpose anymore. I have no education, no career, not even a simple job and little hope of ever getting any of these. I have been seeking out something since I was 16 without any luck as to find even a hint of what it is I am looking for. Lately I have been struggling with depression and self worth. I see little importance of my very being.

That being said, I still carry on, searching and hoping for the best. I wonder what could happen in my future. I wonder what is worth the risks that sometime appear before me and wonder if I should take advantage of them. I wonder who my life affects that makes my life worth living. I press on both physically and spiritually hoping to make some sort of a difference.

New sister in stress
Never dealt with your pain
Return to sanity
Once again

You need not keep
the things of the past
For if you do
Your future wont last.

Love and honor
you owe them at least
Your mother and father
a home of ease

If you need help
All you need is ask
I am here
And up for the task.

I cry for you
I cry for your enabler
I cry all the time
I wish you were stable

ego

Ego: when I research the word, this is what I come up with, "self, importance of self, how the mind sees self in the world, the part of the personality that mediates between the alert mind and the mind that sleeps, the enduring and conscious element that knows experience".

With these definitions I can see how some have little ego and some have great egos. I can also see how some might have an over blown ego. Lets look at this from a scientific stand point in dealing with personality disorders and what we know about them.

Someone with low self esteem seems to have little ego because of self worth. Those with high self esteem, seem to have great ego which is considered to be healthy as long as it doesn't cause neglect to anyone or anything around them.

Someone who has low self esteem who is delusional in thinking they know more than they actually do, thinks this way as a survival skill. The balance is so far off, the pendulum has had to swing to counter act an event or series of events in a persons life to cause them to go into survival mode.

I cant help but somehow feel pity for these people as they wreak havoc on the earth. I feel worse for the people they tend to lash out at. These ego filled people are ruthless in their fight to maintain the ego that allows them to be strong and healthy in their minds. They don't see the damage they cause. They do not care about the damage. They only care about survival.

Looking at it this way, I can see that some of them kill. Some of them are abusers. Some are the know it all types who dismiss all others. Some are so filled with self, there is no room for anyone else in their lives. Some attack anyone within arms length of presenting the truth to them. They do harm others on a regular basis. I see it every day. The only way I can see to balance my own ego against them, is to ignore them. For every time they say how important they are, I live my life as if to say they mean nothing. If I am attacked personally and the law is broken, I can only rise above and let the law handle it. These people are like vampires. They take and take trying to fix their own self worth. Their ego will not allow them to admit they have something wrong in them. They cut us down to make themselves look bigger and better than they feel. They can be seemingly evil people.

Sometimes the best way to fight fire is with water, not fire. It is also hard to not catch on fire yourself when someone is flaming you. Be wise, not ego filled.

What the Heck?

Have you ever wanted to write something and not know what to write? Seriously, I just opened this page wanting to write something meaningful and emotional and I have no topic to focus on. I am almost laughing and yet I am almost crying for the lack of words I have for the emotion that I am feeling. Last time I had this, a disaster was about to hit. I wish I could see better. I could be better prepared for what is going to happen. I know something is I just don't know what. So I sit here frustrated and growling under my breath.

growing trends

I have a feeling that in the very near future there will be no middle road to take. Extremists are everywhere and ready to rumble. I am so tired of seeing so much hate, debate, fight, and negative spirit towards people with differing ideas. I feel like a turtle in the middle of a buffalo stampede. I can only hope my armor is strong enough to keep me safe.

Why must people always think they are right? Clearly a single answer cannot be right for all people. there are to many people with to many differing ideas for a single answer to work. It is why America was founded. I believe that because we have a society that says each individual is important we have forgotten about the masses. What is good for the masses? Guns or no guns? Religion or no religion? Taxes or no taxes? It would seems that we as a country have painted a picture so well, that the fine details are so fine that the painting is becoming distorted. Much like the term, "to many women in the kitchen makes for an inedible soup", we as a nation have fallen into trap set by self importance. Money and power have taken the place of freedom and debate and fighting have taken the place of peace and harmony. We need to get passed this idea that I is more important than we.

There are thugs out there armed to the teeth. They have the weapons not because they are legal or illegal, they obtained them illegally. If you don't think they are a danger, then you have never been in a natural disaster where chaos rules. I would like to think that I could have the resources to defend myself legally if I had to. If the new gun laws go into effect, the only people with this kind of fire power are the very people we have the right to defend ourselves against.

In the case of religion. I have heard people say the world would be better off without religion. I myself have often thought the same thing. It might be good for one person, but some people need religion. Some people have nothing else to believe in. I think a world without religion would be cold, hard, and a difficult place to live. Being spiritual is part of being human. Being of spirit is part of being alive. It seems that all things beautiful comes from a spiritual connection of one type or other. so why not have spirituality?

Here is what I think we could do without in society as a whole. Corruption, deceit, greed, indifference (apathy), fear, and lack of tolerance.

We need to respect life and understand it. All life. From the grass to the elephant, from the birds to the bugs. From the Chinese to the Cherokee and from the Norse to the Australian Aboriginals.

It is not religion we need to abolish, it is the idea that one religion that is better than the other. It is not guns we need to take away, it is the apathy of all things living. Yes I am the turtle in the stampede. I try to move without extremes. I will probably be the first life to end in this war of self importance and righteousness. I hope that my grave will be testament to the survivors left behind. perhaps my headstone should read "She stood for peace now lies here because of war...isn't it ironic?"