today I struggle

Yesterday I put out a feeler to get a rough number of how many people would come to my party if I were to have one. Now I know this is not a big deal to some but its a huge deal to me. I never have parties. Its my 50th. I wanted 50 people. so far 8 people have said "maybe". Of those people, NONE of them are local. I dont mind saying I am hurt. If this was a wedding they would be there no problem. but because its a birthday they dont think of it as much. I would never do this to them. If I was invited I would be there if at all possible. I have gone to parties I didnt want to go to just because I was invited. I am in a very low place. I want to scream and yell and throw a fit. It wont do me any good but its what I feel. I havent ever had a big party. I have not had a sweet 16 or prom or wedding reception... which is saying something because 4 times married you would think I would have at least one organized party right? Nope I have always been practical. I feel cheated and robbed. I dont know what to do with these feelings. GUH! and GRRRR I need a batting cage or something :(

becoming a crone

Maxine Artist: John Wagner



Good lord the time has come. The gray hairs are starting to come in at a steady rate. The hot flashes are non stop and the moods have begun. I now understand why old women are treasured. If they make it through this stage without ending up in jail, in the hospital or asylum it is a miracle! They have learned to control temperament. Let the Croning begin! I will now buy a nice fan to fan myself. I will take 6 showers a day. I will no longer care much about my waistline and be more concerned with my comfort. Screw the long flowing hair! pin that bitch up as far off the back of my neck as possible! I just don't give a flying rats ass about what other people think. It is the most amazing liberating and odd feeling. I will be fifty in six months. I think this birthday is going to be a doozy!

Check yourself at the gate

When I started to think on this topic it was the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther Kink Jr.'s speech at the million man march. What a great day that must have been. We look to the future still in hopes of mankind to treat each other with equality. The timing of this day couldn't be more special to me. I had to confront a friend about racism just last week. It was the most uncomfortable thing I have ever had to do. People say things without ever realizing what they say and who they hurt when they say it. What I got for a reason, was nothing short of even more ignorance. Something was spoken in anger about a situation and that was the excuse used. "I was just so angry that this person was rude" Part of me wanted to punch my friend right in the face. I couldn't believe the words I was hearing. I couldn't believe this person who was so nice to me, could be so foul to other people just because of the color of skin.
I solved the entire conversation/argument with a simple question. Would you say that in front of the man you are talking about? The answer was "no". Then the question of WHY quickly followed. Then and only then did an admission of racism come forth. I wanted to vomit.

After some thought about why bigotry takes place, I came to a simple conclusion. The reason some people put others down is because they have used those people for personal gain themselves. They do not wish to be stepped on like they have stepped on others. They don't even realize that this is exactly what the problem is. It is ingrained in people as a way of life. No wonder there are tensions. Its so sad to see. I see the hate and distrust from people and is scares me. Who has used me to gain better placement in this world? Have I used others? I know I have broken hearts but have I been guilty of such a terrible crime such as this? I don't remember much of my young adult years. I know I was raised in bigotry. Did it spew over into my life? God I hope not! It weighs heavy on my heart all the time. It gets very confusing for me when I am around people of a different culture than my own. I find culture very interesting and I am curious but I don't want to be rude by asking a thousand questions. I suppose that in and of itself is part of bigotry. Feeling uncomfortable because of curiosity. I should just come right out and ask, huh? All I can do is own who I am and keep working on being a better person than I was yesterday. I hope I can encourage others to keep improving themselves as I go.

Many happy blessings to you this labor day... and remember, there is no harder labor in the world than the improvement of yourself by yourself.