today I struggle

Yesterday I put out a feeler to get a rough number of how many people would come to my party if I were to have one. Now I know this is not a big deal to some but its a huge deal to me. I never have parties. Its my 50th. I wanted 50 people. so far 8 people have said "maybe". Of those people, NONE of them are local. I dont mind saying I am hurt. If this was a wedding they would be there no problem. but because its a birthday they dont think of it as much. I would never do this to them. If I was invited I would be there if at all possible. I have gone to parties I didnt want to go to just because I was invited. I am in a very low place. I want to scream and yell and throw a fit. It wont do me any good but its what I feel. I havent ever had a big party. I have not had a sweet 16 or prom or wedding reception... which is saying something because 4 times married you would think I would have at least one organized party right? Nope I have always been practical. I feel cheated and robbed. I dont know what to do with these feelings. GUH! and GRRRR I need a batting cage or something :(