#YesAllWomen #NotAllMen ... scattered thoughts on gender equality

OH holy hell what a can of worms this murdering sick minded scum of the earth has opened up. Yes you heard me. I don't care if he was mentally ill or what. He was a sick son of a bitch and his parents are sick too. He didn't get those ideas out of thin air ya know.

I have been reading and reading and reading all week. One story after another about how men cannot accept the idea they are jerks at the least and murderers at the worst. Do you know why they can't understand? Because we as women swallow their bullshit out of fear. Look I know this is hard to to read but let me give you some history here. I was raised to think men were more important and I needed one to take care of me by a woman who didn't want to have a man in her life. (see the irony there?) I was taught to believe women should be in servitude to men. So many women think this way and it has created some serious flaws in male thought processes.

Because of being raised this way, I am a survivor of 19 rapes and beatings over a 20 year period of time. I was hunted down because I pissed off the wrong guy. The thing is, they are ALL the wrong guy. Any man can snap, even the nice ones. What stopped the crap was me getting mad. I don't mean mad at men. I mean mad at myself. When I was being raped I never fought back so I would survive. I told myself to just ride it out and I would live to see another day. What I didn't know is that I could fight back and WIN.

Now, fast forward. Today I am married to a man who thinks I am a trophy. Things haven't changed all that much with me... until now. I am furious with myself for allowing my life to be ruined by men who keep me back from experiencing what life really has to offer me. I am ready to be a warrior. I am not saying that I will not fear men. I will fear them plenty. What I am saying is that I will take my fear and use it to fight back. Live, be hurt, or die, I will fight back. If it means divorce then so be it. If it means I live alone, then so be it. It is more important to be a full human being than a safe little flower kept away from living and being whole.

We need to take responsibility for our own ignorance. How many women have put on that low cut top or those mini skirts HOPING it will attract a man because you were wanting sex that night? How many of you smile at cat calls because you think "you still got it". Lets face it, we women were taught that much of our self confidences fall on whether or not we are desirable to a man. No its not right. I agree! It is so wrong and sick its beyond sad. But that doesn't mean it isn't a fact. Don't get me wrong, I am furious at my mother for teaching me what she was not living herself. I am furious for the way society placed my importance on having a man in my life. (see previous posts on sexual identity struggles) I am furious at myself for acting weaker than I am. I am furious at the men who took advantage of my low self esteem and lack of knowledge.

There is a HUGE issue with the entire topic of conversation. Sex is always a huge issue. How to get it, when to get it, how it should be done, facts, fiction, fantasy, the list is endless. The question I am trying to ask is....

How does a person engage sexual activity without engaging in inequality. Just asking a person if they are interested in seeing someone, can be experienced as to forward a question.

There are centuries of inequality lessons and teaching to cut through. Women tend to be weaker, men stronger physically, and yet I believe mentally its the exact opposite. For the most part, they equal each other out. If only we would recognize it and respect both our weaknesses and strengths. Perhaps this is what needs to be taught in the future to change how we approach equality. Teach that everyone is important and everyone has weaknesses including you.

I am what I am... "yeah I know, but what is it that you do?"

So many people don't have a clue about what it is that i do. not even my family. So I thought I would write a list of what it is that I do.

First and foremost I am an empath. I know that word gets thrown around a lot and can be connected to a multitude of mental illnesses but in reality it is a common thing. Knowing how to deal with it is rather uncommon.

I pray for those who wish for me to pray. I do not pray for those that do not ask. I do not wish to be an intrusion on someone's life.

I read tarot cards. Not like others read them but how I read them. I don't use the same kinds of cards as others and I don't use my cards the way they were meant to be used. I let the spirits do the talking. The cards only give me a visual to refer to.

I am a healer. I have been known to do some pretty wild things that I am not even sure I understand. Energy working can be amazing.

I can heal a spirit if I am lead to. Some I can, some I cant. I have no problem saying when I can't do something.

I receive messages from the spirit realm and relay them as a spirit tells me. I talk to guides and ancestors.

I am an animist. This means I believe all things have spirit and energy and everything a living thing does. leaves traces behind.

I study religion. I do not follow any single god but work with all gods and spirits for the grace and mercy of the people I help. I will never dishonor a god or spirit. Religion and its followers is another story.

I cleanse houses to achieve peace in a home.

I seek spirits in cemeteries once a year to maintain a proper communication with the previously living.

I remove curses and hexes

I can and do, on occasion, perform spells to better human life.


WHAT I DONT DO

I do not know everything I can do nor do I pretend that others cannot do the same thing.

I do not worship Satan

I am not a witch because a witch does things that will profit and benefit him or herself. CLEARLY I do not do that.

I do not charge for my services.

Do you know what its like growing up thinking you were born broken and damaged? From the age of five I knew that I liked boys AND girls. Sure I kissed boys but girls really put me in awe. (yes at 5 I was kissing) I grew up being a tomboy. I didn't like dresses or dolls and LOVED my Tonka dump truck. When I became a teen I gravitated to boys. There was one girl I really liked but I didn't have anything in common with her so I admired her from afar. Besides, I didn't know girls could like each other that way. It was never discussed on any level other than in a negative way in a form of teasing or bullying. Being gay meant you had to be a boy and like other boys and meant you probably were going to die from aids. Girls couldn't be gay and after all I did like boys a lot so I went with it. When I was 20 I had my first experience with a girl. My world turned upside down. I didn't know what to think. I lusted after every inch of her. The problem was I lusted after my boyfriend too. I felt broken. What was going on with me? I married my boyfriend after getting pregnant and having a baby. Then I met Dawn. She and I were inseparable. I loved her more than I loved my husband. By then I knew I was a bisexual but because of Dawn I thought I might even be a lesbian. After all, why would I love her more than I loved my husband? Well I found out ten years later why. He was a cheating jerk! After the big divorce I moved away and spent time with a lesbian lover. I really liked being with a woman but I didn't feel secure like I do with a man. Again feeling so messed up, I forged forth. I married a man twice again and still crave a woman. Am I bi or am I lesbian? Fuck if I know. I keep picking men who cheat on me. I am a lot of things but a cheater isn't one of them and I don't like being cheated on. Don't get me wrong, I know women cheat but I have never had a woman long enough to experience what a relationship with one would be like for me.

I still feel broken or messed up sometimes. probably because I never fully discovered who and what I really am. I am fifty years old looking at all the kids now and they know who and what they are. I am amazed and envious and even a little jealous of them. How I long to have a place to put myself in when it comes to this topic. I have young friends who are from every LGBTQ station there is and I love who and what they are. I love their spirit and freedom. I feel so trapped and I don't know why. I wish someone could tell me what my problem is.

Right now life is so complicated. My marriage is in turmoil, I haven't had sex in years. I crave human companionship and it seems like women are the only ones who are able to give it. I love my husband with all I have but I don't know if its enough. I don't think he loves me the way I need to be loved. I don't know if the way I need to be loved is my issue because of my attraction to women or if it is my hurt coming out over being cheated on again. Oh hell. I could spin my wheels forever on this. I don't have the answers and I am not sure I ever will.

I guess I am writing this because there are so many people out there who think that in today's times, being who you are is easier. Well it is but it isn't. If there was only one answer available I wouldn't be struggling. I would just accept the fact that I am broken, was born this way and move on.

Tired of my own race

Today I am annoyed. Yes, annoyed! I have been watching people for the past few months and I am ashamed of them. Middle class Caucasian Americans claiming to know the struggles of the African American people during Martin Luther King Jr. month. Americans spouting love and support for the Pagan Irish people on St Patrick's Day by vowing never to wear green on this day. As if an American would know how a Pagan Irish person feels about it themselves. Why would they exclude all the Christian Irish people? Claiming all kinds of support for our troops on Dec 7th and yet not a single one of them know what happened on that day so many years ago. Guh!

What a bunch of hypocrites! I am so sick and tired of being included in this moronic group of people. I am an American middle class Caucasian female. I haven't a clue about the plight of anyone other than myself. I don't pretend to support what might be popular that day. I am far to busy trying to support myself and my own ideas. Don't get me wrong. I would love to support everything I believe is the right thing to support but I am not going to be fake and ignorant about what and who I am supporting just because its the trend of the day.

These are the things I support:

Equality

Love

Education


With these 3 things I believe life would be so much better. Call me idealistic. Sure, I am a dreamer. So was Einstein and Da Vinci. They weren't wrong.

I don't know what else to say. I am disillusioned.

Understanding Balance

I would never in a million years think that someone should become settled into a single belief and thought that one way is the only or right way. That being said I also believe that a seeker may miss the importance of moving slowly to gain more than just education.

Some people say I have taken a turn to the "all light" and become a "fluff" in my beliefs. I have only this to say. Do not assume that because Raven has shown me how to see the light in the dark, that I do not embrace the darkness as well. I have been in the darkness for so long it has become like a friend. I am enjoying the light, it is refreshing and good for my well being. I am balanced for the first time in my life. If people don't understand that then it is they who are out of balance. I love the power and strength the darkness holds and will use it as I see fit to gain balance when met with opposition.

I would also like to say for the record, I speak using the terms "light and dark" for folks who do not understand how life tends to work. I personally think that life is life and has no light and dark. I have seen destruction come from both calm and chaos. I use more simple terms like "light and dark" for you to understand what I am talking about. Just as some give me a title, they need to define everything in their small thought processes.

So for those of you who think you have me all figured out, keep thinking, you aren't done yet....and neither am I.