Do you know what its like growing up thinking you were born broken and damaged? From the age of five I knew that I liked boys AND girls. Sure I kissed boys but girls really put me in awe. (yes at 5 I was kissing) I grew up being a tomboy. I didn't like dresses or dolls and LOVED my Tonka dump truck. When I became a teen I gravitated to boys. There was one girl I really liked but I didn't have anything in common with her so I admired her from afar. Besides, I didn't know girls could like each other that way. It was never discussed on any level other than in a negative way in a form of teasing or bullying. Being gay meant you had to be a boy and like other boys and meant you probably were going to die from aids. Girls couldn't be gay and after all I did like boys a lot so I went with it. When I was 20 I had my first experience with a girl. My world turned upside down. I didn't know what to think. I lusted after every inch of her. The problem was I lusted after my boyfriend too. I felt broken. What was going on with me? I married my boyfriend after getting pregnant and having a baby. Then I met Dawn. She and I were inseparable. I loved her more than I loved my husband. By then I knew I was a bisexual but because of Dawn I thought I might even be a lesbian. After all, why would I love her more than I loved my husband? Well I found out ten years later why. He was a cheating jerk! After the big divorce I moved away and spent time with a lesbian lover. I really liked being with a woman but I didn't feel secure like I do with a man. Again feeling so messed up, I forged forth. I married a man twice again and still crave a woman. Am I bi or am I lesbian? Fuck if I know. I keep picking men who cheat on me. I am a lot of things but a cheater isn't one of them and I don't like being cheated on. Don't get me wrong, I know women cheat but I have never had a woman long enough to experience what a relationship with one would be like for me.

I still feel broken or messed up sometimes. probably because I never fully discovered who and what I really am. I am fifty years old looking at all the kids now and they know who and what they are. I am amazed and envious and even a little jealous of them. How I long to have a place to put myself in when it comes to this topic. I have young friends who are from every LGBTQ station there is and I love who and what they are. I love their spirit and freedom. I feel so trapped and I don't know why. I wish someone could tell me what my problem is.

Right now life is so complicated. My marriage is in turmoil, I haven't had sex in years. I crave human companionship and it seems like women are the only ones who are able to give it. I love my husband with all I have but I don't know if its enough. I don't think he loves me the way I need to be loved. I don't know if the way I need to be loved is my issue because of my attraction to women or if it is my hurt coming out over being cheated on again. Oh hell. I could spin my wheels forever on this. I don't have the answers and I am not sure I ever will.

I guess I am writing this because there are so many people out there who think that in today's times, being who you are is easier. Well it is but it isn't. If there was only one answer available I wouldn't be struggling. I would just accept the fact that I am broken, was born this way and move on.