Diary of Abuse

The patterns of abuse are documented everywhere by both professionals and by those who have lived through it. I have yet to see a person say how it has affected them as an adult as it is happening. I am going to give it a try today so others can know what goes through an abused persons mind when you talk to them.



When I was little I was forced to eat at a speed with the other family members even if I wanted to eat slower. Food was forced on me. I was forced to sleep when I wasnt tired. Sleep was forced on me. Now some of you might ask how. How did one person force another person to do what they didnt want to do. By inflicting guilt, humiliation, shame and pain onto the victim... thats how. Everything I did that wasnt exactly how I was supposed to do it I was inflicted with one form or another of abuse. I became withdrawn and fearful. I wanted to be loved and accepted and when I reached out to get it I was abused again. Once, when I threatened to call the authorities I was spanked literally until I couldnt sit down. There was no out for me. I believed I was a worthless piece of crap. I wasnt worthy to be alive. My 1st attempt at suicide was when I was 11. I even failed at that. I thought nobody loved me and thats why I was being yelled at and spanked all the time. I thought it was for my own good so somebody someday would love me.

When I got into high school I was hell on wheels. I so desperately needed to be loved I would have done anything to get it. I took the beatings and the insults and the shame and guilt. I fought with every ounce of fiber in my being. In the end I lost. I ended up selecting abusive people who inflicted even more pain on my body.

When I married and had children of my own I had no help and needed it. I turned to the only person who was ever around for me. My abuser. I learned to be a parent in the same way. I was over baring, strict, insulting, and I spanked my kids more than I should have and my husband was even worse. It was all I knew.

After those people were out of my life I was able to re-evaluate my life and how I wanted to be treated. I worked hard to not make the same mistakes again. I refuse to be abused by the people I choose to be with me...... or so I thought

I thought i had it under control until a few days ago. The effects are still with me. When I feel I am being attacked, I quickly act with the wrath I have yet to see matched. When someone I love disagrees with me, I cower in hopes that if I cower enough I will still be loved at the end of the conversation. I dont know how to stand up for myself in a way that isnt abusive to others. I dont wish to be like my abusers so I remain the abused.

As I sit here writing this, all the words you see are just words explaining truth from my mind. As I proof read this, all I hear over and over and over again is~

coward, stupid, cant do anything right?, your'e not thinking do it again, you dont know your head from your ass, you never look before you leap, you better marry someone rich to take care of you because you sure as hell cant take care of yourself., why cant you do anything right?,you are such a calamity jane, you just need to try harder, why cant you be more like your brother?, you will never amount to a hill of beans, shut your damn mouth, stop your crying or I will give you something to cry about, damn kids!, sorry sack of sea horse shit, theres nothing wrong with you that a good ass beating cant fix,

This is what abuse does. it replaces what you know should be right and reasons what it wrong to be correct information.
Am I a coward? yes I am. I should have made that call when I was 11 and gone to a foster home unable to sit from my spanking.
Am I stupid? well, yes. Who would allow such things to continue even after adulthood?
Can I do anything right? not really, at least not by the standards that have been set out for me to achieve.
Im not thinking do it again... well duh! over and over and over I repeat the same thing.. so I do it again, still not thinking.
not knowing my head from my ass is right up there with stupid
I did marry someone who can take care of me because yeah, I failed at taking care of myself
I cant do anything right because everything is wrong
yes Im a calamity jane, I seem to always injure myself somehow
yes I know I need to try harder, I know Im failing, its what I do
why cant I be like my bro? I dont know I wish I could, at least they get it 1/2 right
no I wont amount to a hill of nothing because I fail
yes I was a pain in the ass kid, I know it. I was impossible.
yes Im sorry, Im so sorry Im sorry i was born and ruined everyone's lives
maybe if I get one more beating it will straighten me up

can you see the reasoning and how the mind bends under abuse?

When someone tells me Im not ok as I am the way I am and I should change something about myself, I have to fight the abuse words ingrained in me. Its a war all the time. I cry often because of what I was taught to believe about myself. I am not a computer I cannot press delete or escape to erase what my mind remembers. I wish I could.
This is how the abused mind thinks. It thinks it cant, or shouldnt, or doesnt know how. It doesnt process information the same way as others do. The abused mind will take a positive and make it a negative because it doesnt have the right information to make it a good thing.
The abused mind has to start over and rework everything, relive everything, reprocess everything and hope that the new information sticks. It is hard hard work. Every step taken is a step on glass shards. Each glass shard can cut and cause a retreat back to heal and start over.
Unless you have been abused, there is no way you can understand it. It is not logical. It is self destructive and its amazing how many of us there are.

A Song For Momma

I gotta get on outta here
You gotta let this rambler run
I need to find my fantasy
Where livin' life is fun

I dont know where Im goin'
I can't stay here today
Im looking for tomorrow
And forgettin' yesterday

I started life by doin' things
I ought'na should'a done
Never thinkin' what'd happen
In case things ever went wrong

No matter how things ended
Another beginnin's not far away
I just put my mind to wanderin'
And hit that old highway

I gotta get on outta here
You gotta let this rambler run
I need to find my fantasy
Where livin' life is fun

I dont know where Im goin'
I can't stay here today
I'm looking for tomorrow
And forgettin' yesterday

I've lived my life a wanderin'
Never hung my hat for long
Always sayin' that someday
My prince charmin' will come

I can't sit and think about it
No time for lookin' back
On more mistakes that I've made
Now its time to hit the tracks.

I gotta get on outta here
You gotta let this rambler run
I need to find my fantasy
Where livin' life is fun

I don't know where I'm goin'
I can't stay here today
I'm lookin' for tomorrow
And forgettin' yesterday

You'll never know the heart ache
Of life out on the road
If you've got love and family
Ya better stick close to home

Was momma's last words to me
As I looked her in the eye
She pointed at the sunrise
And said its time to say good'bye

She gotta get on outta here
I gotta let this rambler run
She needs to find her fantasy
Where livin' life is fun

I don't know where shes goin'
But she can't stay here today
She's lookin' for tomorrow
And forgettin' yesterday

she said~

I gotta get on outta here
You gotta let this rambler run
I need to find my fantasy
Where livin' life is fun

I don't know where Im goin'
I can't stay here today
I'm lookin' for tomorrow
And forgettin' yesterday

a healing in New York

items required:

sea salt
tin foil
white candle
rain water
lavender incense
cast iron frying pan

light the incense, ball up the piece of tin foil put the rain water and salt into a cast iron frying pan. boil the now salt water away take the hot pan from the flames and unravel the tinfoil and place flat into the pan while hot. set the white candle on the foil and light.


to heal the bones and joints that suffer
heat of purity no longer water
straighten all that lies deformed
to make his body broken no more

allow this child to run and play
and make his life full everyday
this healing will cure more than a boy
a family made whole will exist with joy


Allow candle to burn until it expires itself.




Bless you Lisa and your family!
With Love
LAdy Raven

wow, just wow

You know? when ever I do the work I do I pour my heart and soul into it. I know I mean well with what i do and I work with specific ideas of what needs to be done.

I have done some pretty interesting things but I swear every time someone is healed I am in awe of the energy. Im not saying I doubt myself and my thoughts and spell/ritual work... I am in awe of the power that I have learned to use.

A friend of mine has a son who was born with a deformity, stalled out on his growth and put the possible correction of his deformity at risk. As a friend, I listened to the plight of a mother at her wits end. She had been drained of all her finances and reaching the end of a medical journey that held little hope.

I offered some help doing what I do. This was about a year ago. I was just informed that the child had his check up and it looks like everything has miraculously mostly resolved. On top of that, the surgeon told the mom that they were putting her son on the study so all the bills will be deferred. Its wonderful news.
I am so happy for her I could cry.

punishment for the guilty

I belong to a popular social site and someone posted a link about pedophiles being caught all around the world. Most of the comments were about torturing these indecent people for their misdeeds. I must admit, it does sound like the right thing to do after so many children have suffered so much. But then I think on how I really feel. I stand alone on this topic I am sure.

I have been tortured, held captive against my will, and sexually abused by a sadist. I wished him death. My ex has done vile things and I wished him death also. People who know me have wanted to follow through with those wishes. I personally cant live with the idea that I would take a life or be the cause of taking a life. That's not to say I wouldn't kill someone if I absolutely had to, but revenge just isn't in me.

I have pulled myself up from the depths of hell to live a life I can be proud of. Living my life to the fullest is better than the death penalty for my attackers. Being public about what I have lived through and proving that I am not as messed up as they wanted me to be and gives me far more delight! Frankly all I have to say is HA! ya mofos! look at us now. One of them is in jail and the other is suffering from a form of Alzheimer disease and is partially crippled. I am starting school and maybe a career. I have friends and family. who got the better end of the deal here eh?

I know that not all people are like me and can't pull themselves through what has been done to them. I had a friend in Alabama who committed suicide because he couldn't recover from his mental instability caused by sexual abuse. In which case I believe the courts should hold his abuser accountable for what has happened. To me it is a negligent manslaughter charge if ever I saw one. The courts don't see it that way though. Life for life is what it should be.

I don't know what causes adults to offend children the way they do. I don't know why there are so many adults who do it. What I do know is that given the right circumstances, a child can recover and when that happens I say "Karma is a bitch, and she ain't sleeping!"

Time to tell

As I have promised, I will now tell what I was doing with the high magic. I was binding a conjured spirit and its conjurer. Some vengeful girl playing with things she shouldn't be playing with met her match messing with me and mine. I normally dont play hard ball as it can really drain me of so much energy. This time I was given no choice.
There is nothing worse than someone evil and in control. It took all this long time to rid both the spirit and the person from its position against my loved ones. The result is as expected and I am pleased. My guard is still up and I will be watching very carefully. I am not above harming but only as an absolute last resort. I hope it doesnt come to that.

only time can tell....

thank you for all the support
LAdy Raven

Best Birthday Ever

You know? There is something to be said for reunions. In the past 4 months I have talked with all the cousins, my twin, and yesterday I talked with my older brother who I havent talked to since 1995.

I had been looking for a part of my soul for so long that I gave up on getting it back. I stopped looking. Last night my brother calls me and gave it back with a smile and such gentleness. Its like he was keeping it safe for me. I never in a million years would have thought he had it. Even as I talked to him I didnt know. Only after I hung up the phone did the rush come. I cried for hours. I wanted to laugh but I just cried and cried and cried. It is such a release.

I dont know if he knows the gift he has given me. I suppose it isnt important he knows. What is important he knows now is how much I have always loved him. He was the only one who made me feel like I could do something with myself other than marry a man and have babies. I never thought of him like a dad but if I had a dad I would want him to be like my brother.

Another gift he has given me is a new perspective on my life. How to view it. I have always been such a pessimist. Its the training I got as a child, no blame, just fact. I have a new way to see things. I am going to take it and run with it as far as I can. I havent ever been this happy....ever!

Thank you to my family who loves me as I am, and sees me in a way I have only dreamed of seeing myself... and then handing me a mirror