Diary of Abuse

The patterns of abuse are documented everywhere by both professionals and by those who have lived through it. I have yet to see a person say how it has affected them as an adult as it is happening. I am going to give it a try today so others can know what goes through an abused persons mind when you talk to them.



When I was little I was forced to eat at a speed with the other family members even if I wanted to eat slower. Food was forced on me. I was forced to sleep when I wasnt tired. Sleep was forced on me. Now some of you might ask how. How did one person force another person to do what they didnt want to do. By inflicting guilt, humiliation, shame and pain onto the victim... thats how. Everything I did that wasnt exactly how I was supposed to do it I was inflicted with one form or another of abuse. I became withdrawn and fearful. I wanted to be loved and accepted and when I reached out to get it I was abused again. Once, when I threatened to call the authorities I was spanked literally until I couldnt sit down. There was no out for me. I believed I was a worthless piece of crap. I wasnt worthy to be alive. My 1st attempt at suicide was when I was 11. I even failed at that. I thought nobody loved me and thats why I was being yelled at and spanked all the time. I thought it was for my own good so somebody someday would love me.

When I got into high school I was hell on wheels. I so desperately needed to be loved I would have done anything to get it. I took the beatings and the insults and the shame and guilt. I fought with every ounce of fiber in my being. In the end I lost. I ended up selecting abusive people who inflicted even more pain on my body.

When I married and had children of my own I had no help and needed it. I turned to the only person who was ever around for me. My abuser. I learned to be a parent in the same way. I was over baring, strict, insulting, and I spanked my kids more than I should have and my husband was even worse. It was all I knew.

After those people were out of my life I was able to re-evaluate my life and how I wanted to be treated. I worked hard to not make the same mistakes again. I refuse to be abused by the people I choose to be with me...... or so I thought

I thought i had it under control until a few days ago. The effects are still with me. When I feel I am being attacked, I quickly act with the wrath I have yet to see matched. When someone I love disagrees with me, I cower in hopes that if I cower enough I will still be loved at the end of the conversation. I dont know how to stand up for myself in a way that isnt abusive to others. I dont wish to be like my abusers so I remain the abused.

As I sit here writing this, all the words you see are just words explaining truth from my mind. As I proof read this, all I hear over and over and over again is~

coward, stupid, cant do anything right?, your'e not thinking do it again, you dont know your head from your ass, you never look before you leap, you better marry someone rich to take care of you because you sure as hell cant take care of yourself., why cant you do anything right?,you are such a calamity jane, you just need to try harder, why cant you be more like your brother?, you will never amount to a hill of beans, shut your damn mouth, stop your crying or I will give you something to cry about, damn kids!, sorry sack of sea horse shit, theres nothing wrong with you that a good ass beating cant fix,

This is what abuse does. it replaces what you know should be right and reasons what it wrong to be correct information.
Am I a coward? yes I am. I should have made that call when I was 11 and gone to a foster home unable to sit from my spanking.
Am I stupid? well, yes. Who would allow such things to continue even after adulthood?
Can I do anything right? not really, at least not by the standards that have been set out for me to achieve.
Im not thinking do it again... well duh! over and over and over I repeat the same thing.. so I do it again, still not thinking.
not knowing my head from my ass is right up there with stupid
I did marry someone who can take care of me because yeah, I failed at taking care of myself
I cant do anything right because everything is wrong
yes Im a calamity jane, I seem to always injure myself somehow
yes I know I need to try harder, I know Im failing, its what I do
why cant I be like my bro? I dont know I wish I could, at least they get it 1/2 right
no I wont amount to a hill of nothing because I fail
yes I was a pain in the ass kid, I know it. I was impossible.
yes Im sorry, Im so sorry Im sorry i was born and ruined everyone's lives
maybe if I get one more beating it will straighten me up

can you see the reasoning and how the mind bends under abuse?

When someone tells me Im not ok as I am the way I am and I should change something about myself, I have to fight the abuse words ingrained in me. Its a war all the time. I cry often because of what I was taught to believe about myself. I am not a computer I cannot press delete or escape to erase what my mind remembers. I wish I could.
This is how the abused mind thinks. It thinks it cant, or shouldnt, or doesnt know how. It doesnt process information the same way as others do. The abused mind will take a positive and make it a negative because it doesnt have the right information to make it a good thing.
The abused mind has to start over and rework everything, relive everything, reprocess everything and hope that the new information sticks. It is hard hard work. Every step taken is a step on glass shards. Each glass shard can cut and cause a retreat back to heal and start over.
Unless you have been abused, there is no way you can understand it. It is not logical. It is self destructive and its amazing how many of us there are.