The Undeniable Truth

It is Monday Dec.17th 2012. Last Friday some manic 20 year old shot his mother then went to an elementary school and killed 25 more people including 20 children ages 6 and 7.

There has been much debate over gun control laws, mental health availability and security in schools.

I believe that there aren't enough mental health hospitals and beds available. That being said I will stand by my feelings on this.

I am a mother of an adult child who is troubled. I have tried to "make" him seek out help. Because he refused, there is nothing I can do. But I wont make excuses for him. He is in and out of trouble, drugs, depression, and friends who break the law. It took a lot for me to open my eyes and stop making excuses for him. He is what some might call a high functioning mental case. ADHD, dyslexia, depression, and signs of autism. He has always been anti social and never was a talker. He has ALWAYS had a fascination for guns and the military even as a toddler. When he got in trouble at home he would just "check out" and not respond to punishment or words of wisdom. He acted like his actions were all important and my opinion didn't matter.

After 2 guns turned up missing from my home and, he refused to get a job and pay child support for his daughter, I then realized this is NOT a person who has the capacity to care the way he should.

It broke my heart to face the truth about my kid. I gave birth to a possible nut case. He belongs in jail for drugs and stealing and before he snaps or something. Sure, he is calm and loving and peaceful most of the time, but then there are the times when he just cant be reached. Not violent, just unfeeling. THOSE ARE DANGER SIGNS!

I cant help but think about the mother of the young man who committed the murders of 20 children. The mother who never wanted to admit violence as a possibility. She was a teacher, trained to notice such things. Why couldn't she separate her love as a mother and see her son for the monster he was becoming.

What about all the other mothers? Are they just as blind to their own children? I know mental health care is not what it should be. I know "jail" isn't what we want for our children, but if it is the only option available, save the innocent.

We all view our children as people to love. think of Charles Manson Ted Bundy Jeffery Dahmer and so many more. You think of them as monsters but they started out as somebody's child. Someone loved by their parents. I cant help but think that we need to stop making excuses for the behavior of our children and do the right thing. Love isn't always a hug and a kiss. Love means you do the right thing for the person regardless of what that right thing is. Even if its jail or mental institution.

This is what should be taught to people. This is where mankind is failing. We learned about mental illness and the humanity of it and forgot about the victims and innocent. It is and undeniable truth.

end of the world?

Deck the halls, dont deck the halls, what ever. Look if you think the world is coming to an end keep it to yourself and let the rest of us non believers live out our lives in peace. For Gods sake! Stop yelling on street corners that we have to confess our sins, get right with God, or even prepare to die and go to hell. If you think I am going to be confessing my sins so somebody else can get off on them you have another thing coming. If you think I am going to let my neighbors know my deepest secrets only to live through this "end of the world" to be criticized and belittled, think again.

Get your stupid opinions and religion out of my ears and away from my car! I admit I have made the mistake of letting my beliefs slip. I admit I used to be one of you zealots trying to save the people from themselves. I also admit that I woke up and smelled the coffee. I made the decision that people should have a choice and its not up to me if they make it. With all the religions out there and how loud they tend to be, if someone hasnt chosen the one you feel like could save them, it is YOU who are wrong not them.

Isaiah 5:21 Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight.

Matthew 13:22 The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful.

1 Corinthians 8:2 The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know.


To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible.
~Thomas Aquinas

Belief in a cruel God makes a cruel man.
~Thomas Paine

God enters by a private door into every individual.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.
~Blaise Pascal


I could go on and on and on. ...please stop. You look foolish. You are not doing Gods work by yelling at people. And frankly... someone is going to go off on you and might hurt you.

losing my mind

After coping with the loss of 25K to a contractor who told me to "trust" him. my house is again starting to take in water from a simple thunderstorm. I am to tired to fight. I now understand the resolution of the Katrina victims who just packed it up and left it all behind. Its not that they wanted to give it up. Its that they just had to fight to hard to keep it and at what point do you just say fuck it? The insurance isnt going to help, Fema isnt going to help, contractors wont help, and I am at the point where I dont know where to turn. I am going to have to ask for help from the local govt. I dont know where else to go.

On a 2nd note. I have tried so hard to keep a stiff upper lip through all this and yet I sit here tonight to tired to cry. I think Im loosing my mind and because of govt cut backs there is no mental health care. isnt this a wonderful pickle Im in now?

travel

somewhere neath the shadows time

somewhere in a passing rhyme

somewhere round a three times ground

something in a mysterious sound

some time in a passing glance

sees the things we should not pass

some time in a face to hear

a direction blind and sees so clear

to tired to think

I am so tired I cant even think. Nothing seems right so I am going to back away and regroup. I am tired of being judged. Tired of trying to learn something new only to find Im not welcome. Im tired from not getting enough sleep and to much work to be done here at the house. I am tired of the sounds of saws and machinery instead of birds and dogs. I feel like I am losing my mind.... so I will spare the internet and retreat to my corner in the shadows where I feel more comfortable. helping those who need it even if they dont know Im helping. This is where I excel.

There seems to be a recurring theme in my life about trusting people. Every time I get desperate and trust someone I get screwed! Everyone gets desperate so how do I avoid getting screwed? I mean really? Here is the deal. My house flooded during hurricane Issac. I turned away 100 people looking for jobs and wanting money blah blah blah, They circle like vultures. On the 2nd day of total exhaustion, someone came to me and said they could help. I said how much, they said only as much as fema would pay and they can get me up and running. I was thrilled and relieved. Someone who obviously gave a crap. He was licensed through the state and fema approved so I said ok. Without an estimate they went straight to work. Then things went wrong, work started to get over looked and some of it was shoddy. Then fema said no more money. I was promised a finished job regardless. So here I am Thanksgiving week. I havent heard from the contractors in 3 weeks. Im painting the walls myself (which is ok... but still) They wont return my calls even when I just want to tell them that I am putting the carpet in myself and not to worry about it. I have no doors and no window sills. I have no cabinets that I was PROMISED that habitat donated for me. I sit here thinking... hmmm I wonder if I should call habitat to let them know I never got the cabinets or if I should wait and see if they actually show up. Meanwhile no thanksgiving for me, I will be laying floors, painting the living room and closets and preparing for carpet layers to come in. Im tired, missing my real life, and wanting my home back. Dont worry I will get fed, it just wont be at home after watching the parade and I wont be setting my Christmas tree up after pie while the game is on. Its tradition ya know? Im disgusted in this so called "do-gooder" and kinda tired of explaining why my house isnt farther along than it is. I feel like a fool for trusting yet another asshole, and dont care to admit it just one more time. btw, anyone have any idea how much interior doors in frames cost? they are about 75 bucks a piece. I have 20 doors that need to be replaced then trim... I am officially overwhelmed

interesting thoughts from a bad social faux pas

I was at a social event of about fifty people of all types of back grounds. One person came up to me and accused me of being demonic, This is nothing new for me to hear but never has a person been so bold to me while in a social setting. At first I chose to ignore it, but something in me just wont let this go. I know in some circles giving it this much time and thought is giving it power, butI need to figure this out. You see, I used to belong to this kind of thought process, My mother was a zealot for christ in the later years of her life. I got tired of feeling isolated from hating everyone who wasnt a Christian and was really angry with the fellow followers I had to get out. So you see I have been literally on both sides of this coin. Today I feel like a pitt bull in a fight to the death. Why do people fear things they know nothing about and yet refuse to learn? How can someone hold an opinion of something they know nothing about? Why is it when I am confronted with such things I become infuriated beyond belief? Why cant I think of a quick quip to close the mouth and open the mind of the offender? I think that is what has my mind in this vice grip the hardest. I couldnt help this person out of the opinion of me that was unfairly placed. I disagreed with the opinion but I couldnt refute it in a logical manor. Instead I attacked the person for the obvious anti social behavior. That in and of itself was not very social Im afraid. if in a social setting with many friends and loved ones and someone out of the blue corners you and offends you by insulting your religion, what would you do?

Am I the only one?

Hoodoo, also known as conjure, is a form of predominantly African-American traditional folk magic that developed from the syncretism of a number of separate cultures and magical traditions. It incorporates practices from African and Native American traditions, as well as some European magical practices and grimoires. While folk practices like hoodoo are trans-cultural phenomena, what is particularly innovative in this tradition is the "remarkably efficacious use of biblical figures" in its practices and in the lives of its practitioners.[1] This definition was taken from WIKIPEDIA. This is where I have planted myself firmly into the middle of. That being said, I do not use the saints or biblical figures. I lean more to the Native American symbols. Conjure is the closest thing I know to what it is I do. I guess this is what makes me unique and original. Im not a traditional by any means...but I am original FOR SURE! If Im not let me know who else does what I do? Im serious. I could use pointers and guidance.

another step...

A lot has happened since my last post. I lost most of my home in a flood from hurricane Issac. I have also taken another step to learning what my heart so dearly longs for. I may have found my way into a much deeper form of education. ...and so my journey goes... as the African proverb says "A journey that only goes in a straight line does not discover much about life or living."

getting to know me

me and my hubby

Terrorism has hit home

It has been a long long time since I have written anything. I have been so busy helping my brother getting his new home ready to move into. Today is a day of sadness. We mourn the loss of 2 of our officers and friends who were ambushed and killed. Im sitting here thinking what would cause this. Yes this was an act of terrorism. A young man from the plains got his head all twisted up into thinking that anyone who opposed his thinking would be dealt with and any cop he sees will be killed on sight. He made what is considered to be terrorism threats to police in Kansas after being in a bar in Nebraska. From there he went to Shreveport Louisiana and met up with the Smith family and began to stock pile guns. The authorities had set up a surveillance team in the trailer court to keep an eye on them. Its not clear if they robbed the laundromat or if someone else did but the sign of police in their trailer court caused the smith family and this terrorist to move to my semi-sleepy little town. We have had our share of trouble here. After all we are close to New Orleans. This has taken everyone by our ears and shaken us to the core of our beings. This wasnt drugs or someone on a rampage from a domestic problem. This was calculated murder of police officers. They engaged gunfire on unsuspecting traffic cops directing traffic. They knew the officers would be there, they are there every morning and afternoon for shift change at the plant. What they didnt know is that our officers and civilians alike dont put up with law breakers. A civilian was key in helping to locate the car after it sped away. Two officers died during the ambush while trying to make an arrest of unarmed suspects. The two officers who were originally fired on will survive. Louisiana doesnt play. We WILL shoot you if you cross a line. We will defend our property and we will make sure that justice is served. We have the long arm of the law and we have long memories. We will mourn our dead for generations and we will never forget. You can bet that these terrorists will not only get the death penalty, they will be haunted by every family member, dead and alive, affected by these tragic deaths. You ran for a year Kyle Joekel, you got your wish, you killed a couple of cops. May you know the kind of pain you caused and may Louisiana take no mercy on your life or soul. ...and to the Smith family, I have no words for a resident that would kill the people who protected you. You are scum. You know whats coming to you. You provided the guns to a terrorist. You should be tried and hung for treason and then spat on after death. In writing this blog I can see my sorrow turning to anger. Anger that doesnt do a thing to help the six children who had fathers two days ago and dont now. In these tough times I sure hope we can help the widows with thier up and coming struggles. ....I must try to remain focused.... To all you Savage Nation, Rush Limbaugh types... is this what you wanted? Children without fathers? Wives without husbands? you talk and talk and talk about anarchy and govt take over but you dont think about the people. you are creating extremists which is causing the govt to crack down even harder.

oh that feeling....

Have you ever had that feeling if needing to cry but cant? Or knowing that there is something worth crying over but dont know what it is? I dont even know if this feeling is real, if it belongs to me, or belongs to a spirit who is trying to communicate with me or through me. All I know is that I cant seem to shake this thing off. I am stressed over many things this week and was put through a very traumatic experience. It is over and done with so I should be better from it. I am so aggravated and sad. I hope my feelings are simply anxiety and not anything forthcoming.

ramble of the day

Today I was having a conversation with a friend known to be a bit of a hot head. It seems everything that he doesnt agree with upsets him to some degree. He tries so hard to be open minded but there are some places he just cant go. I love this man like I love my brother. He has trouble accepting that someone might say something bad or what might be perceived as bad and it aggravates him no end. I find that yes it is aggravating. Is it that this person (insulting) thinks so little of someone else they have to voice it? Is it that we anger over this because it is in some way true? Can someone really see this in a person and is just being honest? In that case who should we be angry at? I personally think that people put labels on others because they have to compartmentalize personalities as their own lives have been experienced. Someone might call me a bitch and fat old hag because they are used to having sweet young pretty submissive complacent women around them. either that or I remind them of someone they have already had a bad experience with. It has to reflection on me and my life what so ever. I was the same person a minute before the statement was made. It will however allow me to see them in a new light. I dont have to like what they say but what they say is just a window into their lives. It is not an easy concept. We have all had our feelings hurt by words. But I believe we need to see why it is we are upset. I cannot change what people see in me. I cannot change why they see it. I can only hope that in the end my heart will show them that perhaps they have put me in the wrong category. As for my dear sweet brother from another mother, he knows I adore him...even when he gets pissy.

Put between a rock and a hard place

This has been an unbelievable time for me. I am reeling from a predicament I was thrust into. It all started off innocently enough. A laugh here and hug there. Just as with all my friends husbands I expected the utmost honor. I was wrong. A friends husband contacted me for much much more than advice and a joke. I was put into a place where I had to tell my friend her husband is a cheat. This is not the first time this has happened to me. Men think I am cool and will "go there" just because I am open an honest about who and what I am. What they dont realize is that above all, I am honest. I have been a wife who trusted her husband who was a cheat. I have been lied to. I know what it feels like and why the wife needs to know when her husband is risking her life buy screwing around on her. I was petrified for her, for our friendship, for the group of friends I know her through, her family, and just about everything she and I have anything to do with including my reputation. I was sick for days trying to decide if I had misunderstood what went down. I re-read the conversation between us. There was no misunderstanding it. Then I thought ok maybe he was just living out a fantasy by talking to me that way. So I let it slide. I let it slide until the next time we went out and he was all over every woman but his wife. It made me sick. I knew then, what I had to do. I dont know why people do things like this. The whole thing was so insane, selfish, and hurtful. I hate what he did to her. I hate what he did to me. I hate what he did to our friendship and the friendship of the girls. I despise what he has done to his family. He reminds me so much of my ex husband. So sweet, funny, and understanding. The only thing he really understands is his sex drive, everything else is a lie. Its so sad, and infuriating. I have been crying all week.

coping

This past week I have been coping with some very chaotic energy. Someone I know close to me suffers from terrible depression. When I tried to deflect it she withdrew like an evil spirit crawling under a rock but the rock was her mind and heart. Then another friend sprawled anger during a weak moment I was having, and I blew up. I am human and I am not all powerful. I recognized it for what it was and it was coming at me from all sides. Thoughts of death that weren't mine entering my brain like flood waters creeping between the floor and walls of an old home. My foundation was firm but I thought the walls would crumble. I am coping as best I can. I wonder what I am doing to cause such an upheaval that would cause total destruction. Could it be my head washing on Saturday? The very idea I am talking common sense to someone who needs it? I must be doing something right in order to have pissed off something so ugly. But I cope. I dont know if I am equipped to handle this. I need help and I dont know who to ask.

Telling the Truth

When asked to do a tarot reading I have a little ritual I do. First I clear my mind of all the days events and fill my mind with the person who has asked me to do the reading. Then I stand in front of my tarot collection and let the decks speak to me. One deck always jumps out stronger than others for whatever reason. Today was different. Someone very dear to me asked me to do a reading for her because she said her house feels "off". I clear my mind, then concentrate on her, the stand to pick out a deck. I stood for a very long time. No deck jumped out at me. so I asked the powers that be, what gives? Then I got the answer. Two decks. I have never had to read two readings for the same person at the same time. I was so confused. I grabbed my altar cloth and did as was asked of me. I shuffled and cut the first deck, wrote down the reading and paused before I shuffled the second deck. The second reading was better defined than the first but said the same thing. Then came the hard part. Telling my dear loved one the truth of the readings. I have never had to read off something so hard in all my days. Giving someone bad news, stern warnings, and hard to hear facts difficult at best. I love this young lady with every ounce of my being and hurting her is the last thing I wanted to do. I wonder who has it hardest in times like these. but I digress. For her own sound mind I knew I had to tell her. I knew it was going to be hard for her to hear. and I knew nobody was going to like it. I can only hope that the warnings were heard as well as the love in my voice when I was trying to calm the tears. People rarely think about the consequences when they first learn to read tarot or perform divination. Nobody thinks that anything awful might happen. It does happen and you have to be prepared to speak the truth and speak it wisely. I have now had tears of joy, tears of sorrow, laughing, jumping, out and out anger, and other types of what I would call extreme emotions shown during a reading. Once I did a reading that scared me out of my mind. Its funny the things you can find out about people. Things you never want to know. However, the truth must be told and learning to do that in a way that you wont be shut out, wont be fought with about it, and accepted takes tact and a bit of knowledge in reading personalities. We cant get it right 100% of the time but we should at least try. In the end it can only do good. After all it is what the seeker seeks.

Excuse Me...

I have to say this. I wish not to offend even though I know I will. Some things just need to be said. I have a pretty extensive library on the occult, witchcraft, and pagan beliefs. I hide this library when guests enter my home. I also break down any and all altars that some folks may not understand or take offense to. The work that goes into having guests in my home is extensive. I love having friends and family to my home. I always have. I love to cook for people and entertain. That being said I tire myself out for at least a week before anyone gets here so I wont offend anyone. I think its time I just say enough. I dont hide what and who I am. My home should reflect that. If someone comes to my house and is offended, maybe they misunderstand who and what I am and what it is I do. I will post it here so I can clearly and concisely state the facts for future reference. What I do is much like a doctor except that I work in the spirit realms. A doctor can be good and heal or bad and harm. Medicine is the name of his/her practice. Medicine itself is not good or bad it just is. Its the doctor that practices that counts. Magic is the same way. What I do is study and practice magic. I am good at it. The books I have are for study. I learn different types of magic to know how to deal with it. Voodoo/Hoodoo is different than Norse. Norse is different from Hellenic which is different from Golden Dawn which is different from Cornish and Romany. To help people cursed by different beliefs, I must know the beliefs they are cursed with. That means I have to study them all. I guess in the magic world I would be the general practitioner. I have cursed a couple of people in my day but not to harm. More like a lesson to be learned.

Question of the Day

Do you think your house is haunted? Someone asked me this question today. I was explaining to them about the odd things that go on in my house. My answer is yes. The person tried to argue that if I had God in my life this wouldnt be happening to me. I was once a devout church goer. I got saved and baptized and went to Sunday school. I sang in several church choirs. I have NEVER not had a haunted house. Before you resign to my insanity let me explain. When I was a Christian, I saw spirits. I even talked with the holy spirit. I saw an angel hold a 17 year old young man as he wept in glory. I heard Gods voice as he told me to tell others his message. Would that make the church haunted by scientific standards? You bet it would! So having God in my life only gave it a religious purpose in the house of religion. I still have spirits near me and I hear them sometimes. I have different names for what I experience thats all. I have come to learn that my talent is my talent. Nobody can change it I was born with it. I know I cant be like everyone else. Why to others want me to be like them?

All For One?

In another site I visit, it was posted that the pentagram stood for one kind of person. Wicca is laying claim to the pentagram as if their religion invented it. I have nothing against Wicca. I adore most of the people who follow it. To each their own. But please please please lets set the facts straight. Wicca is not the only belief system to use the pentagram. There are those who use the pentagram who DO worship Satan. There are people who use the pentagram who do place curses and make blood sacrifices. Wicca is a calm gentle religion who mostly deal in healing and love. The pentagram is not just for Wiccans. Never has been.

strange happenings

I woke up this morning as I normally do. I climb out of bed, get dressed, let the dogs out, then go to the kitchen to feed the dogs their breakfast. Routine normal. then I turn on the TV to catch the weather and morning news and go back to the kitchen to make my coffee. here is where it gets a little weird. The routine for making the coffee is done the exact same way every morning. 1. grab coffee pot 2. rinse pot and fill with water 3. place pot back on the burner 4. empty filter container 5. get new filter 6. fresh grounds 7. put fresh grounds and filter in place 8. turn on maker pretty simple right? Well I went to get the filters and they were gone. I looked everywhere for them. I figured maybe my husband took the short stack to work because he was running low. So I went into the cabinet and got another short stack. I turn back around and BEHOLD! there was the filters sitting in front of the coffee pot. I thought to myself "ok, I must be tired and over looked them." After all people always miss the things right in front of their noses. So then after the coffee is done, I grab a cup and go to sit down. Just as I sit the living room light flickered out. It took me aback because it didnt just "go" out. It literally flickered out. I thought for a moment about the mornings events and said out loud, "Turn it back on! that is rude!" It came back on for about a minute and went out again. I dont know what to say at this point. I dont want to be one of those people who just have a normal relationship with people who arent there but it would seem that is what is happening. I am not ready for a rubber room with pink walls. I went through my pink stage in the 80s Victorian decor.

New Meanings to an Old Symbol

I have been using a symbol for over a year now as my artistic signature. It is the first letter of my given name, the 1st letter of my nic name and wings for my spirit name. The combination is lovely I must say. Without the wings the symbol seemed so familiar. It was driving me nuts. I mean REALLY NUTS! I was looking online like a mad woman trying to find something like it. One day a month ago or so I found it. It was on a Voodoo web page. As I was reading, I was lead to believe it was about the priesthood. That didn't make any sense to me. Why would I be "knowing" of that? Fast forward to last weekend at Springfest 2012. I got the chance to ask the djembe drummer what the symbol was. Low and behold! it is a symbol of "gateway" for the spirits to find me, help me, bless me, be with me and always know where I am. BINGO! Thats why it came to me! I am so honored that they want to help and guide me. I must be doing something right to be able to commune with them so freely.

Gearing Up

Next weekend I will be attending the annual Springfest Camp and gathering. I am excited to commune with like minded people. I will spend this week packing and preparing for my visit.

Another Step

So many have said I help them, I guide them, I lift them, I teach them, and even help keep them on track. Im not sure how and I thank all of them for their compliments. I can assure you all that it is merely opinion and life experience talking not formal training.
I have been struggling and floundering about, thinking that I wasnt ready for what is about to take place. I seems now that it is the only logical next step. In order for me to move forward I have accepted the idea that I could and probably should start my own ministry. This is a very large undertaking and I know I have much to do. There is much to learn in and about ministry and more to learn about counseling. I have yet to even come up with a name for my ministry so bare with me as I muttle my way through this.

So there you have it....

hope

I feel like this rose. Old, passed it's prime but still looks and smells like a rose. Its best time is over but its not dead. to me this is beautiful and worth painting.

realization

I have suddenly and quite abruptly come to understand where my depression is coming from. In a years and a half's time I lost my mother, my husband, my home, my best friend, and then my children. How does one recover from that? Can someone recover from it? If it had all happened at once in a freak accident I might be able to grasp it better.

They say the most stressful things to live through is a death, a divorce, loss of friendship, illness, and poverty. in 18 months time I had all of them. I am still not over it. Sometimes I feel like Im in the acceptance stage and then I get sad and angry again. I wish I could explain to people what this feels like. I have surrounded myself with other people who are just as damaged. I dont know if that is a good thing or not

Meditation helps me stay calm but it doesnt help the damaged part of me. hmmmmmm

fed up from the floor up

I am tired. I am sick and tired. I do not wish to deal with it anymore. Im over it.

I have reached the stage where I am just wanting to be numb. I am tired of dealing with stupid animals doing stupid things. Stupid people doing stupid things and me always having to deal with it personally. I am OVER IT. I cant fix stupid! If the dog dies from being stupid then so be it. If a person dies from being stupid then so be it. the Darwin award tonight goes to the little smart dog who insists on making herself sick by eating lizards and toads and cockroaches. If she wants to dehydrate her self by puking then so be it. I am over the antics. If you are in an abusive relationship stop making excuses for the abuser. Stop being stupid by thinking its worth keeping the relationship alive because of "the good times". In the future there will be no good times it will all be bad and you will end up being miserable. I know I have lived almost 50 years. I know I can be cranky... but dammit if you are so damn smart learn from the mistakes of others and save yourself AND ME the trouble!

this is a safety post for my sanity

Nikki: feb,19 2012 249pm
if you hear from Derick let me know. I have an open case with missing persons cause hes actually missing <3 Alecs Mommy <3

Me:
what do you mean he is missing? Since when

Nikki:
8pm last night he was on his way to a friends and never showd up and none of his friends have seen or heard from him <3 Alecs Mommy <3

Me:
thats not missing yet. He's been known to take off for days

Nikki:
The pd here said it is since he left his wallet and phone and has been depressed. they filed the report an hour ago <3 Alecs Mommy <3

Me
Ok if I hear anything I will let you know....check the local crack houses n stuff....he doesnt do crack but he might be seeking some pot and booze to self medicate. They give it to him for free

Nikki:
Not around here he wont get it free. And we have friend who smoke him up. And we dont really have crack houses around here. <3 Alecs Mommy<3

Me:
Lol if you say so. He is either running or scoring. I thought it odd he didnt talk to me on fb tho

Nikki:
Ive been the one jacking his account and he read ur message. He doesnt call neone back. <3 Alecs Mommy <3

Me:
pffft. then its on him. He has the will to live. He just doent want the haasles of it.

806pm

Me: any news?

Nikki:
No <3 Alecs Mommy <3

Me:
Please let me know. I cant be in his life but I care about it. I am worried sick

Nikki:
Me too <3 Alecs Mommy <3

Call this number and talk to him i know hes there but hes in danger there (insert phone number here)

____________

ok so I called the number. a drunk sounding girl answered the phone but she hadnt seen Derick in a couple of days. She sounded about like me and worried sick.
__________________

Me:
Hen not there. Hasnt been there in a couple of days

Nikki:
HE IS AT FUCKING RABBITS JESUS CHRIST <3 Alecs Mommy <3

Me:
rabbits?

Nikki:
(insert phone number here) i saw him through a window he is there <3 Alecs Mommy <3

Me:
Then not to worry. As long as he is alive. Call the cops and let them know hes ok

Nikki:
Hes not ok there amy! They have meth and warrents and so does derick and the cops are going over there in the am <3 Alecs Mommy <3

Me:
So call the cops now, its the best thing for him

Nikki:
Yeah im sure jail for 3 years is in his or alecs best intrest <3 Alecs Mommy <3

Me:
Trust me, I hate seeing him like this but its jail or death and I choose jail. My brother lost his wife to that. Love is not easy and doing the right thing is so hard. Help him clean up. Call the cops. He wont stop using unless given no choice. Meaning someone has to have control over his every move.




She never texted back after that. There was a lot of drama on facebook on Dericks account. By the time I got online she had supposedly given back Dericks account and erased 101 messages. She posted this:

Dear Derick Halladay I've removed myself from your fb, my posts, my comments and my profile... The only one I left was about Alecs birth. I'm sorry for everything and you are just never going to believe me. All I wanted was for you to come home with me and Alexander Halladay and be a family. I begged and pleaded and you win. I tried texting and it failed as usual. I'm changing my number I don't want your friends having it anymore. I cant handle all the texts ive recieved today doing exactly what you told me to do. I love you Derick I love you so much and it's killing me you being gone. I want you to love me and I dont think you ever will. I'm so sorry for everything... ~love always, Nicole Lynne Tangen

I posted to Dericks FB page:

she had your mom scared to death...grrrr Ill be nice cuz Im on facebook but you KNOW what Im thinkin.... GRRRRRRRR


next thing I know I get a text from Nikki.

Nikki: Feb 21 1113pm 2012
Just so you know madam i didnt make any of that up. Derick and hid lies had you worried. Im not the bad guy in this.



So this is where I stand:

Derick has still not talked to me so I have no idea if he is alive or dead. I cant tell if its him or that psycho woman he had a baby with on facebook. I am being talked in circles and webs so idiotic I want to go up there and shake my finger at someone. Sheesh what a mess. The one I feel the most sorry for is the baby. There is no way out for him. There is no escape for peace. Dear God rescue that baby. I can only pray for lil Alexander my grandson...

Missing

It would seem that my son is missing. I dont know if he is hiding or out getting drunk or whatever. He is not talking to me or anyone else that I know of and the police are looking for him.

I am over it. I am tired of hurting, feeling like a part of me is dying, and wishing it would all be over. Its time for me to end this insane hope that one day my kids will love me again. They wont. They are mentally unstable, over emotional and confused about everything. Their lives and the lives of their children are forever affected by the insanity that was created by the way they were raised. maniacal is the only word I can use to describe the actions of the those responsible.

I can only be responsible for what I didnt do, and that was knowing how to kick evil to the curb when I had a chance. For that I am sorry.

sketching from memory

This week I have been trying to sketch my most memorable visions. It is a difficult task. My hand cannot keep up with the memories so the sketches are not very good. Drawing these visions brings back all the emotions attached to them. I shouldn't try to rush the drawings but there is a need and anxiousness to get them on paper. I can only imagine why.

thoughts during depression

Some times there isn't much to write about. Its was raining this morning and cloudy. Now the sun is out but clouds are still lingering. The birds are singing. I wonder if I should go out so I could feel like singing too. Its been a stressful week. A murderer was on the loose and ran into the neighborhood in which I live. The sheriffs office called and told us to get indoors and lock everything up. I was outwardly nervous but inwardly in a full panic. My poor stomach suffers from my reactions to stress. I sit now after the thug has been caught, trying to calm my nerves. Today is Wednesday. The trash gets picked up and the weekly shopping ads will be in the mail. Ghost Hunters will be on tonight as well as American Idol. Right now there is a documentary about artists of the punk era. They are so famous now. Innovative and creative, striking images with thought provoking words being spoken.

Today is much like any other day, no, any other Wednesday in this country, in this town, during this decade. I feel small today. Unimportant to anyone. Anyone but the dogs who rely on me to feed them. Unimportant. That is a strange word. I should put the wet laundry into the dryer. Yes today is like any other Wednesday. This documentary is inspiring.

I sit here thinking of other Wednesdays.....and I become infinite with time. Why do we artists have such foul language? Are we that frustrated? Yes yes we are. I wonder if I need medication for my moods? Will they make me less artistic? I couldn't bare that. My nails are getting long. What a mess that is going to be when I pick up the brush again. Paint under the fingernails is not clean but could be interesting. My dogs are sleeping in a yin yang position. I wonder if there is a reason for that. What do dogs dream about.

Gah! Wednesdays. Im bored, uninspired, depressed and in a nervous state. How droll.

What I Am To the People I Know

A good friend of mine made a very interesting comment today. He realized that he has many friends and family and all have gathered to his social networking page. He told everyone that he loves us for who we are, then named what we are. He made the announcement that if we were all in the same room it would be world war three. He doesn't know how he can have so many friends from so many different walks of life.

I am of the same thinking in the same kind of situation. I have Christians, Pagans, Heathens, Left wing, Right wing, Liberal, Tree hugging, Capitalist, prudes and kinky people in my life. I cannot imagine having them all in the same room for me and because of me without someone hurting someone else's feelings over one opinion or another.

What does this say of me? Am I lying to myself about who I am? Am I a culmination of all these people? How do I relate in so many different ways?

If they can love me for who I am and accept me as I am then why cant they get along together if I am bits and parts of pieces in all of them? Are they lying to me? If so which ones? Gah. Its a conundrum.

......people wonder why I struggle with myself? (thats funny)

In short I am Tank Girl. I am cute, nasty, sexy, smart, ditzy, strong, and stupid, loved by geeks, dweebs, stoners, conservatives and church goers. I love pain but hate to be treated badly. I have a smart disgusting mouth and a heart of gold. I am both ugly and good looking, happy and pissed off.

how many of you are the same way?

Murder she writes.

Here it is another new year in New Orleans. Friday the 13th. I cry for the city I live in and love. The AP has posted an article about how the murder rates are down. I cry.

This week there has been several shootings in this city. Men, women and children all dead. Sadly this is not uncommon. We have 11 deaths in 13 days, but wait. This day is not over and it is the weekend. My heart sinks.

Many people have blamed the police and drugs and gangs and other things for the killings. I blame the total lack of respect for life. The reason people are being killed at such an alarming rate is because there isn't a way to live a life worth loving for these people. Lets face it we as a society have always thought less of those who live in the poorer sections of the city. We have placed this disrespect on them. They are angry and have a right to be. I feel for these men women and children. Though my pity means nothing, I cant help but feel it.

Don't get me wrong. If faced with one of these "thugs" I would be no different than the next person. Fight or flight. But looking at it from a short distance I see the problem. How does society teach that life is worth living and can be better living in broken down homes, no jobs to be had, in and around horrible people doing horrible things? How do you say "there is another way" and reach these people who are so proud and are dealing drugs and finally able to buy a car and pay the rent? How can you say STOP its better to be homeless.

The drug cartels have reached them with money and work. Its not legal but it is a way to provide for their families. Now they are caught up in a horrible cycle. They didn't sell out, they didn't have a choice. It is said education is the way out. Really? How many college graduates do you know who can't find a job? What would you do if you couldn't afford to keep your house and feed your family? What would you do if you lived on the edge of a turf war and a group of people stormed your house that your grandfather built, and said you had to sell drugs or die? What would you do? It is not the street people who are the problem. How do we stop this? Cut the snake of at the head. Where is the head? Who has the most money? Who is protected by both the law and people? Think about it.

I cry for these people. With a history, rich in culture and a spiritual practice that the streets seem to be swallowing up. I pray for them nightly and hope one day life can be happy for them, because some have never known happiness.

change

If you want something different, change what you take.

If you want something different for someone else, change what you give.

If you dont like "what is", stop complaining about "what was" and change what "could be" so it doesnt repeat.

Change!

Stop thinking people can read your mind and change things they way you want.

Be proactive in your own life.

Take control.