What do you do?

I will be out meeting new people and inevitably I will get asked, "What do you do?" More often than not I will reply with "My job is taking care of my husband". I would love to be able to just blurt out one day, "I am a spiritual healer and psychic". Wouldn't it be a grand thing to be able to do without getting accused of witchcraft, Satan worshiping and ungodliness. How does someone tell people what they do? Is it really any of their business to even ask? I wonder how others handle such a thing. Should I be saying what I do and let the chips fall where they may, devil be damned?

Ulcer...me?

Oh yeah this is why I haven't been writing. I have been very ill with a belly that just takes on to much. I am frustrated with politics and health care. I am fighting the forces of evil on a daily basis for myself and others and I'm just tired. I am trying to surround myself with only positive people. I need a break and rest. I cannot just let go of some things as people are depending on me for them. Pray for me. thank you

Update: No ulcer just a muscle having fits. Well THAT is a relief!

Danger Will Robinson! I knew I was to trust my gut

There is nothing like doing a spell for clarity and getting it full on. People tend to be very good at faking behaviors to make themselves seem very in tune to others. I ask for clarity on a few people and got it.



5


2 1 3


4

1.) Present - Devil: Tremendous power and violence. A challenge which appears unpleasant but leads to realization.

2.) past - 5 of cups: Things are not developing according to plan.

3.) future - 10 of swords: Loss, suffering, pain, disillusionment, Insecurity, and uncertainty.

4.) reason - Extreme emotions indicating inner conflict

5.) potential - Error unforeseen danger because something was not seen as it seemed.

Whatever

How does that phrase affect you? It is a flippant response to a lack of knowledge on behalf of the person using it. It raises every hair on the back of my neck as a warning sign of disrespect to education and experience. It is also a sign of immaturity.

So to the person who uses this phrase, be forewarned... you get what you give.

today I struggle

Yesterday I put out a feeler to get a rough number of how many people would come to my party if I were to have one. Now I know this is not a big deal to some but its a huge deal to me. I never have parties. Its my 50th. I wanted 50 people. so far 8 people have said "maybe". Of those people, NONE of them are local. I dont mind saying I am hurt. If this was a wedding they would be there no problem. but because its a birthday they dont think of it as much. I would never do this to them. If I was invited I would be there if at all possible. I have gone to parties I didnt want to go to just because I was invited. I am in a very low place. I want to scream and yell and throw a fit. It wont do me any good but its what I feel. I havent ever had a big party. I have not had a sweet 16 or prom or wedding reception... which is saying something because 4 times married you would think I would have at least one organized party right? Nope I have always been practical. I feel cheated and robbed. I dont know what to do with these feelings. GUH! and GRRRR I need a batting cage or something :(

becoming a crone

Maxine Artist: John Wagner



Good lord the time has come. The gray hairs are starting to come in at a steady rate. The hot flashes are non stop and the moods have begun. I now understand why old women are treasured. If they make it through this stage without ending up in jail, in the hospital or asylum it is a miracle! They have learned to control temperament. Let the Croning begin! I will now buy a nice fan to fan myself. I will take 6 showers a day. I will no longer care much about my waistline and be more concerned with my comfort. Screw the long flowing hair! pin that bitch up as far off the back of my neck as possible! I just don't give a flying rats ass about what other people think. It is the most amazing liberating and odd feeling. I will be fifty in six months. I think this birthday is going to be a doozy!

Check yourself at the gate

When I started to think on this topic it was the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther Kink Jr.'s speech at the million man march. What a great day that must have been. We look to the future still in hopes of mankind to treat each other with equality. The timing of this day couldn't be more special to me. I had to confront a friend about racism just last week. It was the most uncomfortable thing I have ever had to do. People say things without ever realizing what they say and who they hurt when they say it. What I got for a reason, was nothing short of even more ignorance. Something was spoken in anger about a situation and that was the excuse used. "I was just so angry that this person was rude" Part of me wanted to punch my friend right in the face. I couldn't believe the words I was hearing. I couldn't believe this person who was so nice to me, could be so foul to other people just because of the color of skin.
I solved the entire conversation/argument with a simple question. Would you say that in front of the man you are talking about? The answer was "no". Then the question of WHY quickly followed. Then and only then did an admission of racism come forth. I wanted to vomit.

After some thought about why bigotry takes place, I came to a simple conclusion. The reason some people put others down is because they have used those people for personal gain themselves. They do not wish to be stepped on like they have stepped on others. They don't even realize that this is exactly what the problem is. It is ingrained in people as a way of life. No wonder there are tensions. Its so sad to see. I see the hate and distrust from people and is scares me. Who has used me to gain better placement in this world? Have I used others? I know I have broken hearts but have I been guilty of such a terrible crime such as this? I don't remember much of my young adult years. I know I was raised in bigotry. Did it spew over into my life? God I hope not! It weighs heavy on my heart all the time. It gets very confusing for me when I am around people of a different culture than my own. I find culture very interesting and I am curious but I don't want to be rude by asking a thousand questions. I suppose that in and of itself is part of bigotry. Feeling uncomfortable because of curiosity. I should just come right out and ask, huh? All I can do is own who I am and keep working on being a better person than I was yesterday. I hope I can encourage others to keep improving themselves as I go.

Many happy blessings to you this labor day... and remember, there is no harder labor in the world than the improvement of yourself by yourself.

Balance of What Exactly?

A dear friend of mine wrote a blog today about the balance between practice and study. I can agree that in those two things balance is needed. What if I said if all you care to balance is the practice and study of a single topic throws you off balance in the world? People are always saying that you need balance.

What is this balance we are supposed to obtain and hold onto so dearly and cant ever seem to get?

I believe balance is that one thing that is achieved when there are few questions, less answers and much rest and even more peace. When everything seems understandable. That doesn't mean we get to rest in this place of bliss. Oh no, quite the opposite. It means we have to work hard to expand our minds to constantly maintain balance. If you have ever tried to do this you will know it is not an easy task.

To be able to bring inner peace in times of trauma and to accept the things you don't like in this world is the most difficult thing you will ever do. If you think that is easy how then exactly are you balanced? Can you tolerate bigotry? How about pedophilia? With all the fuss about Miley Cyrus this week, do you hold a strong opinion? How often do you look at the other side of a topic you hate to even bring up? This doesn't mean we shouldn't strive for justice, It means that there is always an outcome and how you handle it says something about how balanced you are.

I remember when my ex husband left me. I fell apart. I cried everyday all day for months. It was the end of my world and I wanted to die. Some might say that is a normal reaction. It is normal if the person is not balanced. Nothing in my life was balanced. To much religion not enough experience. To much dependence and not enough self reliance, to much trust not enough questions. Many if not most Americans live this way. Some live with to much greed and not enough charity. Others live with to much charity and not enough self sustaining capabilities. Some live with to much fear or to much courage. There is a happy medium and finding it seems impossible at times.

How do you find balance?

Christian teachings say to "trust God in all things and know his hand is on you"
In Persia the term "It is what it is" applies
in France it is "C'est la vie"
Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart. ~ Marcus Aurelius

People throughout time have been saying this in so many different ways you would think we would have gotten the message and teachings by now. Balance is not just in some things. it is in all things.

live and let live?

I post my beliefs and some of my loves and practices here but do I say to follow them? Why is it when I have to keep my mouth shut about how I believe, is it right to have others cramming their beliefs down my throat? When I do this it is an offense but when its done to me its "for my own good". Oh and I bet you Pagans out there are screaming "YEAH" thinking that I'm preaching to the choir. Guess what? Y'all are just as bad. ALL y'all Christians, Muslims, Pagans and Scientists alike. I am so sick of being told how to view things if I want to be correct in my thinking. If I want to be correct. Correct by who? Who made you the know it all of me? What am I thinking right this very minute? What did I eat for supper? How do I feel? Whats my temperature? How many teeth do I have? What is my favorite food? You don't know me!!! There is no way you can tell me what is good for me. My relationship with the spiritual is mine. my relationship is not yours. You have a different experience to learn from. If you care to share your experiences I will gladly listen and then share mine. I will not be preached at for any reason. If I do something that reminds you of something you did wrong you can tell me your experience but do NOT tell me that I cannot do something because you had a bad experience. Do not tell me I have to do something because it is the only way to "be good" at what I am doing. I am open to learning not reprimanding. You need to get over your bad selves and stop trying to live through me and stop trying to make me live through you. We are two different people...GUH! makin me sick!


end of rant for tonight.... keep it up and I will rant more tomorrow. This is one soap box I never get off of.

a warning

You know? there are well meaning people everywhere. Some folks are so caring that they tend to think that they know best for others. I suppose I can sometimes get that way but I generally don't give help unless asked for it. I was seeking out people who experience things the way I do in life because it gets a little lonely doing what I do. I got blasted with warnings about how I am doing things so wrong. Normally I am open to new teachings but this time I felt attacked. It felt like every thing in my being was screaming to get away from these well meaning people.

It turns out I was right. Once I took a step back and got away from their well meaning advice, all the loneliness and complications went away. There are some spirits who just don't know how overwhelming and isolating their opinions can be. They don't mean harm but they inflict it anyway. These tender souls are nothing more than misguided. They come in all shapes and sizes both present and past.

After a week of no contact with these well meaning, people I am much better. Finding a kindred is not in the cards for me and I suppose I am to stand alone. It would seem that every time I think I find a place to call home I am proven wrong. There is a lesson learned here too. An oak can bend and twist and grow very big but no two trees are alike, and to many in one place will kill off the grove.

experience without education

Why is it that I can have the experience of so many things but have no education on it what so ever? Take Vodou for example. I went to a "Pagan" spring time celebration. I had no idea that a Vodou priestess and her whole house was going to show up and perform a spiritual wedding. I knew nothing of Vodou. Sure living in New Orleans you cant help but be brushed with a few rules of engagement and respect type stuff but nothing about the religion itself. So I get into this circle. I was open and honored and wanted to learn as much as I could. What happens to this New Vodou virgin? She gets ridden by the Lwa. I have been asking about it for years. people laugh at me or shoo me away like I was poison. I don't know the rules of religion, and something spectacular happened to me and I want to know more. Why is that so hard to understand?

I am still asking foolish questions stumbling on my words and definitions because I really don't have a frustrating clue about any of it. I can only ask from where I come from and most people wont and don't respect what I have to say. I have been possessed by the holy spirit, a jaguar, 3 different Lwa, my mother, and at least 4 spirits I have invited in for better communication. I am NOT a new person to this experience.... however I have no clue about religion. I am sick of being judged by religion/education and not experience. When I tell a theologian my experience they say it cant happen or shouldn't have happened or whatever....Now I'm no expert, but if the spirits find someone they like to possess, who is a human to say the spirit shouldn't possess anyone?

Stinking religion, Christians say I am to much a witch to have the holy spirit, I am not initiated in Vodou to be ridden, I cannot have a jaguar as a guide because I am not from south America,I must be a new age neo Pagan because Raven is in my name, I do not have a college degree or formal education to explain my experiences so I am not legit. THIS is what is being said about me and to me.

I would like to say something. I didn't ask for any of this. Not a single experience. I didn't ask to have shamanic journeys, I didn't ask to experience shape shifting, I didn't ask for the holy spirit, I didn't ask for the angel to appear before me, I didn't ask to be able to heal people, I didn't ask to have a dragon, I didn't ask for the Lwa to enter me, I didn't ask for this gift I have.
What I did do was offer to be of service in the best way I can. If the spirit can accept that why cant people?

Where do we stand?

I have been spending a lot of time on a social media site and it would seem that the frustration is building about the Zimmerman case. I have been trying so hard to stay out of it and be objective. I have also been trying to figure out what the confusion is. After seeing many posts about different court cases concerning this law I can see where the problem lies. It is not the idea of someone got killed and someone didnt pay for his crime (tho that is what the media would like us to think) It is the simple fact that we as citizens dont know where we stand with the law. whats good for the goose should be good for the gander.

I dont know if its because of the media not giving us all the facts about the cases they are reporting on and have a political agenda. Or the facts of each case arent allowed to be seen by the public. Or that the law makers are twisting it all up for some personal gain to be elected or what the case is. These are the questions that should be asked. We shouldnt be riled up against a single man. We need to rile up against the people who are manipulating what we see and why we arent able to see all of it so we can better understand. Gods forbid if we ever get to see the entire facts and become responsible voters who elect judges and sheriffs and the like. Gods forbid we gain back the control of what we want instead of what someone else wants for us. I wish the people of this country would stop thinking so small and see the bigger picture. Do you not see you are being manipulated by some jack ass with an agenda? The race issue is a smoke screen. You are falling for it hook line and sinker because you dont know what else to be angry about.

Let me explain further. When a 12 yr old girl in Oklahoma shot a burglar in her home while on the phone with 911. The man didnt try to harm her. He wasnt armed. Nobody thought she would have to shoot. But she did. She is declared a hometown hero. A man in Florida who is head of a neighborhood watch questions a kid who was high on drugs in the middle of the night. The kid becomes agitated and strikes the neighborhood watchman. The watchman pulls out a gun to defend himself and kills the kid. All this after the 911 operator told the watchman to NOT APPROACH the kid. Seems to me as long as 911 says its ok to shoot, its ok to shoot. See the problem? You might say...Well she was just a little girl and scared. Im sorry, a gun is a gun is a gun and anyone holding one and is knowledgeable on how to use it, should also know they have the upper hand.

My perspective is that the law makers and keepers of this society are not able to be rigid with their own rule and law. Its all subject to interpretation and depending on the officer of the law you are dealing with (be it governor, judge, lawyer or police), you can do or say just about anything as long as they agree with you. THIS is why we are angry.

Lets deal with the problem at hand, not what is spoon fed to us by those who have an agenda.

what depression does

Ok I admit it, sometimes I suffer from depression. Once every 7-10 years my body and brain go into this funk that I need help getting out of. I dont understand it and so far no therapist understands it either. It takes me about a year to get out of it and it can get severe.

Let me tell you what its like for me. Depression is not anxiety. I am not nervous. I am not in a panic. Its the exact opposite. Frankly nothing matters during my depression. Nothing at all. Not life, not death, not food or drink. I dont care if I sleep or not. I dont care if I am loved or not. It is a huge mass of nothingness. The physical side of me fights against it. My brain wants to stop breathing but my body says NO I am going to live. My body starts to ache because it gets tired from the fight. When the advertisement says "depression hurts" they arent kidding. Light hurts, darkness kills. Everything becomes ultra sensitive and makes me want to not live anymore. I have dreams of dying or being dead. My dreams then haunt my days in vivid memory of death.

Imagine the hopeless feeling because of lack of support and misconceptions and misdiagnosis. This is something that WILL go away on its own if I can just hold on. It always does. Its holding on that is so hard. I dont want a drug that I have to take for a life time just because the docs dont know what else to do with me. For crying out loud it only lasts a year and wont be back for another 7-10 years. Why is this so difficult to understand?

ok this makes me more depressed just thinking about it. Its seems to be a cycle doesnt it?

under attack

Do you ever feel like saying, Look, I don't want to fight. You don't want me to fight. You have no idea what I can do. I can ruin your day. Please don't make me break out the blades.

Im doing some serious banishing and have come under physical attack. It would seem I have struck a cord in a big problem. I hope it goes away because I don't want to have to get my nasty out to play. I mean I will, but I don't want to have to. There is always a HUGE flare of angry woman after I have to get my mean on. It kind of sticks with me. UGH. I hope I don't have to spend my day tomorrow getting ugly.

Paula Dean

You know what? I don't get all the fuss. Do I like the word? NO WAY! Does it shock me that she used it? NO WAY! Look people, its like this. You all were horrified to learn she was a diabetic but weren't at all shocked. Why weren't you shocked? Because she is a chef who cooked in high fats high sugars and tons and tons of it. Her food is typical southern cooking at its finest. Take her age and her location of birth and you have a typical southern woman raised to think and say certain things. Yes, people in the south still use the "N" word like its nothing. I got news for you. ALL the races use it like its nothing and most folks accept it as norm down here. No I don't think its right. I think the word is demeaning no matter who uses it and it shouldn't be accepted by anyone for any reason. That being said, women have taken on the word "bitch" and don't find it offensive. Men call each other fuckers and nobody takes offense to it. Don't give me the line that the "N" word means something worse than "f**ker". F**ker is an old English name for legal rapist. "Bitch is a female dog both are every bit as bad as "N". No I wont use the "N" word because I was raised not to use it. Does that make me a racists? Maybe, I don't know. What I do know is that its not fair for Paula to be fired from her job while Chris Rock and Eminem use the word and their careers soar. If you don't like someones views on something don't buy their product. She was fired by a bunch of hypocrites. She was fired because they loved her stuff so much they couldn't see passed their own lust to see what was really behind it.

I dont know if I will ever understand how business works and who has a say it what will be presented and what wont. Chefs, Musicians, Comics, Poets, and the like are all artists. How is it one can have a job and the other cannot based on a single word, that only has one definition, that all of them use.

Good Gods People!

Today I am a little miffed with zealots. Every stinking time someone cries for help with something, some random person nobody even knew was in the room says, "Go Straight to church for that, God can fix you right up". What if the problem isn't a religious one and "God" wants you to fix it yourself so you can grow as a human being? I mean really?? Why do people externalize solutions to personal problems? If its personal then the solution is inner not outer. Grow people GROW!! If you don't grow you will be sent back here for a 2nd time to do it all over again only to inflict the human race with more crap. STOP IT! consider yourself verbally bitch slapped and blocked for life... I aint got no time fo dat!

Demon Banishing

Lately people have been dragging out spirit boards "playing" around trying to communicate with the dead. Curiosity is healthy and I can't say that I blame them. But not knowing what you are communicating with and not heeding more than a few warnings about portals and knowledge of the tool being used, I can't help but feel weery. If you are going to play with fire you better have some fire safety courses under your belt. For the past two or three days there has been much talk on the subject of demons and how to get rid of them once they have arrived. I think its about time I post my experiences and opinions here.

I have banished two demonic spirits in my life. One was a human possession and the other was conjured to perform harm to another human being.

The first banishing happened when I was young. I had help from a local Christian pastor, or more like the pastor had help from me. It took two days non stop praying and working to rid a woman of this horrible thing. I was sick for a week after. Then I had to under go a cleansing of my own. I suffered from depression for quite a while after that, without understanding why.

The second experience was more recent and I worked alone. It took over a week to complete the ritual. The work was intense. I had to bind the demon and bind the hate in the person who conjured it. I could feel the strain in my tools and in my home. Once the deed was done I was drained for three months. Not because I did anything the wrong way, but because my own personal battle was taking place. You see, when you do this kind of work it is like putting a gang member in jail. Sure the guy who did the crime is no longer a threat but he has friends. He has a LOT of friends. You have to be prepared for the onslaught of crap that will occur following all your hard work. One slip up and you could experience some terrible things. Things you wont understand. Thoughts of suicide, temporary blindness, pets dying or running away, marriage problems, a sense of non stop frustration like listening to a dripping faucet yet everything "looks" normal. You have to understand that these things can and do happen if you are not prepared, learned, and in good health. Sometimes they happen anyway. You have to know what to do, when to do it, and how long to do it for. The battle is long and very hard with demons.

So please, understand why people who have experienced this kind of thing respond so strongly to possible mistakes and errors or simple carelessness in the communications with spirits made by others. We can't help it. We know what happens to you and your family, and we know what happens to us who have to work so hard to help you when things go wrong.

Many Blessings
Val

Knowing what to do when

Today was a learning day for me. I had to walk away from 3 conversations because nothing I said was being heard. I think everyone has days like this. Spirit is very loudly saying shut up and just entertain yourself with other things. This conversation doesn't concern you. Spirit sounds like my mother some times. Then came a simple statement across my screen. A friend wasn't feeling well. So instead of getting all kinds of verbally involved I just did what I do. From what I understand he is some better. Thank God! His work is so important and he is going to knock himself out one of these days working to hard.

The Reality of Photographs

How many of you have ever looked at a photograph and thought there is no way that can be real? With all the photo shop capabilities and airbrushing going on these days, photographs can not be trusted. Images of people with muscles, even tans with flawless skin, shapes almost inhuman happen so regularly we barely notice how fake they are.
When taking film of any kind, ghosts and paranormal things cannot be trusted. Photographic evidence just isn't reliable. Some say psychics are the least reliable in the paranormal field. I beg to differ. A psychic will have proof of result if what they do is correct. A photograph can no longer be proof of anything these days. The amount of people trying to gain attention through the extraordinary and bizarre has reached epidemic proportions.

Lightening Struck Tree

My neighbors have a tree that has been sitting dead in their yard for 2 years. Lightening struck it. I would love to have some of the trunk of it to make my own drum. I believe this is probably the only way I will be happy with a drum. I have played other drums but nothing feels right and I would love to have my own energy into it. I can only hope the tree is not bug eaten if and when they ever get around to taking it down.

Bucket List

I have been giving a lot of thought as to the things I would like to see be done before I depart this realm. Some of the things that are "supposed" to be done in life just don't seem to matter when I think of the things I feel my spirit pleading to do.

1 get a headstone for mom
2 visit Arlington and tell daddy I know most of the truth and how much I appreciate him.
3 visit Africa.
4 write my book
5 live in the moment as much as possible (doing this list is NOT living in the moment LOL)


That's it, It's not a very big list. The amount of money and time it would take to complete it, consumes my head to the point of anxiety.

Nit Picking

Once again I am posting personal opinion and logic concerning personality types I tend to come across. Have you ever come across a person who says you need to open your mind and see things their way? Boy I sure have. At least once a week someone says to me my mind is closed to their point of view.

I don't know if my mind is closed to the possibility of their truth, I just don't agree with it. If it works for them, fine! Then you have those folks who tell me that they have the right way of thinking and I am wrong and I need to change my mind. Meanwhile either types of these personalities refuse to see my perspective and my logic as my truth. It is a complete lack of respect to me and my experiences. Why must I agree with someone to hear them? There is no real proof of most of what I do. There is only unexplained results or lack of results. Nobody knows why somethings happen. Nobody can explain a ghost, or the ways of the psychics, or the healing performed by a shaman. Nobody can explain why curses or prayer works... it just does.

I suppose that I could open my mind more to science but in my experiences those who practice science spend way to much time trying to make sense of me and my practice and when they cant make heads or tails out of it they ask me to change so they CAN understand me. Science also spends way to much time guessing when they can't accept "what is". I wouldn't normally have a problem with it but most of the time because it is science and labeled "educational" it is taken to be the truth when in fact they are just making it up as they go with hypothesis and theory. Drawn conclusions of things that cannot be explained is dangerous and misleading.

We don't have to understand anything we only have to accept the possibilities of all things. With acceptance leads to understanding and understanding leads to knowledge and knowledge leads to education education leads to truth. Not the other way around.

Oklahoma Tornado

Well, another tragic storm killing many people. They were warned the day before that this could happen. My gut sank when I got up yesterday morning. I didn't know why until the storm hit. I hate that I can feel the mourning before it happens. I hate that I can feel the fear. Since Katrina, I have learned to try and block as much out as I can but some times it just isn't possible. Today my head pounds. The pressure is changing outside. I know most people think I am crazy but I know the truth. It will rain. I fear sudden weather changes. I fear more storms will rip through populated areas. I don't know if it is fear, or "that feeling" of a truth yet to happen.

I wish I had training and guidance on how to read my own intuition.

Induced Trance

I have written before about the topic of pain induced trance. Here is how it went down for me last Saturday.

I was invited to a party in honor of a distinguished gentleman who had come to visit our town. I couldn't wait to get to this party because I knew everyone would be there. I was hoping to see the guest of honor in action and wasn't expecting to get mush of my own at all. As the evening pressed on and the party started to get into swing, She showed up. This beautiful young and talented Domme rope rigger. My last meeting with her turned my life upside down in the best possible way, and all she did was speak to me. She was carrying her gear and my mind started to race.

Do I speak to her about how I felt? We exchanged notes but she didn't reply to the last one. I don't even know if she got it. It isn't like I want her for a girl friend, she is far to young for me. I just want her to know how grateful I am for her kind words of wisdom and nothing more.

I was standing close to the end of the greeting line and she reaches for me to hug me. I ask her if she got my letter and she said yes. My mind started to race again. What she must think of this old fool. She, once again, told me how beautiful I was from the inside and told me not to forget it. With that she moved to the next party guest like she was royalty. Damn how I wish I had it together as much as she does at her age. Such grace and dignity. She knows how to handle herself so well.

And the party heated up...

I had been drinking that evening. I was not drunk, but feeling pretty good. I felt relaxed enough to be myself and not be stupid, which is a rare event for me. I am watching various scenes of BDSM and wondering what is in store for me if anything. My husband sometimes gets bored and tired at night so I never know what to expect. As I am watching a particularly gentle scene, my husband comes up to me and grabs my arm. I thought, oh boy here we go another flogging on the rack. He stands me in the middle of the room and She takes a step forward to ask Him to put the ropes in the hooks high above my head. She looks at me and says, "Are you ready for this?"

Everything in me became like softened clay ready to mold. I was so excited. She picked me to go first!
I watched the two of them get the rigging rings set up and only one other question was asked. "Do you have vertigo?"

"No not usually and if I do get it I know how to fix it quickly" And with that the tying began.

She lifted and tucked and poked and pinched and instead of feeling pain I felt fight. This is not usual for me. I wanted to bite her and back her up to a wall and make her fight me. Sure she could take me no problem but that was the point. I really wanted to feel like I was being topped and dominated. I stood there like the good woman I am and was bound without trouble.

The ropes felt like I was wearing a bathrobe. They were so comfortable I wasn't sure they would support me. "Lean forward" She said. And with that I was hoisted up, not far up. I wished it was higher but if it was, there would be no beating and that wouldn't be what She was looking for. She wanted to put me in a head space. What she didn't know is that this is my first suspension of any kind other than gymnastics and rope swings over the river.

First came gentle kissing of a single tale and a flogger...I was being tag teamed. OOOO another first. My hubby was co-topping! I wasn't allowed to think like I normally did. They kept me off balance the entire time. All of a sudden POP! holy hell what was that? I let out a yelp I think, I'm not quite sure. My ass stung and heated up fast, and yet...was strangely yummy feeling. Then another POP! ooooo there goes that floaty feeling. I was spun around quickly and POP! again. My head dropped, I felt it go. I was off...second star to the right and straight on til morning. She was Tinkerbell with the pixie flying dust, He was Peter Pan and I was Wendy being taken along for the ride.

Once my bruises were all symmetrical and pretty looking, the fun began. She spun me. I can honestly say even in the pain and floating and everything, I laughed. I was laughing? Wait, when did getting beaten become fun? This is serious stuff...but I am laughing! My mind was blown. Everything I knew at that moment didn't matter. Then came the hook. Not a nice hook, a mean hook! My ass is so big fining the right place to put it was difficult at best and it wasn't a pleasant experience but it did its job. It got me out of the floating head space and back to thinking again and more adrenaline kicked in with fear and pain.

When that was done with I was released. She brought me to the floor. I felt like I could sink to hell if she had let me lie down. My body was heavy and my head was spinning. Part of me wanted to go back up and another part of me wanted to just lie down. I started to shake and then another magic carpet ride. This time all the symbols and visions came. I stood there leaning on my husband trying not to collapse so She could remove all the rope, but my head was gone.

I felt like I was engulfed in white fur. I must remember. A belly spinning like a spiral and an arrow pointing down, down, down, to the left down. I must remember. It is dark but there is a glowing light behind the white fur. I must remember. A sudden roar...and I was free to lie down.

It wasn't long before I was alert again. I am thinking fifteen minutes or so. When I got up off the table, I was ready to go again. I have never felt so alive. This is one trance experience I will never forget!

She had done it again. I am not sure what the connection is but there is one. Perhaps it is the warrior spirit she has, reaching down deep within me to my spirit, bringing out what has been suppressed for so many years. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I am very strong. She showed me that I could take it and want more.

She is leaving this beautiful city to carry on with her life and love. She is leaving me a more fulfilled woman and wanting to experience more. What a gift. May She be blessed in all She does...and may She come back to visit from time to time.

expectations

In doing the work I do I have learned to expect nothing. Go into a situation with an open mind willing to learn about anything that comes my way. Spirits and nature respond better to this way of living.

There is another way of living. Rigid living. It says that everything has to be a certain way and if it isn't that way, work to obtain that way.

In a conversation with a family member last evening, I learned that some of my family is of the opinion that I need to live my life more rigidly. I need to bend to society's way go into retail sales and business. It is expected of me.
Where is the creativity in that? Who actually gains from that? How does that help others? I cannot help but be frustrated by the very idea that there is still someone around me who expects me to conform to their expectations. Just because they cannot see what I do as a way to a means, doesn't mean there is no means. Sure I have my own doubts about how the world works sometimes. I doubt my ability to support myself. But then I take a step back and look at the importance of what I do. My creature comforts are not all that much in comparison.

Here is my creed

I will work with my gifts and talents as they have been gifted to me.
I will help others to the best of my ability
I will be only who I am and nothing else
I will not deny my gifts and talents
I will continue to learn everything I can to better use my gifts and talents
I will not use my gifts for wrong doing

If this is not suitable to some and I am confronted with it, I will not engage a person in debate even if I really want to. I have to remember that some people are driven by material things. They see little value in spiritual contact. I pray for these people. I wish they didn't frustrate me so with their expectations of me.

Information Hogs

You all know that I am a fiend when it comes to information. I love to study up and read on things until all avenues are exhausted. I was looking up a couple of things yesterday and found that only one person had information on the topic I was researching. It made me ask a couple of questions.

Just what topic did I stumble onto?
Is it that rare only one person knows anything about it?
How did it happen that only one person has information on it if I am seeking it too?
Did this one person make it up to seem important to others?

It really got me to thinking about how information is handled on the internet. Its basically like a major elementary school playground. Anybody can say anything, until someone doesn't like it. Then a fight breaks out. The loser of the fight recants what they said. The winner of the fight maintains their information as the correct information to have. Unfortunately we have no playground monitor.

I cant help but think of all the BS people are swallowing as fact because of an information hog who bullies people into shutting their mouths, hacking their sites and leaving the online communities. It makes me sick.

Please don't take information online as gospel. If the information works for you, good. If it doesn't keep looking. Ask people in person. Make an appointment with someone who might have some answers. All they can say is no or if they don't have your answers, might send you to someone who does have an answer for you. Keep looking, don't settle. The internet is not the only place for information.

HAPPY BELTANE

Well another Beltane is here. I feel the hunt in my blood. I want and need a hunt for myself. The drive is there, The ability? well you know how it is when you get older. I might feel like a kid in my heart and head but the old body doesn't want to cooperate... and the story goes. Next year I will enter the crone years. I should be so seasoned that not romping around in the woods shouldn't bother me. But it does. It bothers me a lot. I want to be hunted and hunt. I want to jump the fires of lust and abandon the rules even if it is just for one night. I want to dance the May pole and tell the world I am still alive and just as good as I have ever been. Time is telling me otherwise.

I wish the most wonderful Beltane for the young folks. Live life to the fullest and fulfill your heart and satisfy your lust, so when you get to be my age you wont hunger as badly. Do it safely, be responsible, but do it. Don't be shy or scared like I was. There will be few regrets if you take care, and many fabulous stories to pass down to the younger generations who might have questions and curious minds.

one of those days

yep its been one of those days. I just got home from vacation and I want to go back! Im frustrated, infuriated, aggravated, saturated, irritated and uninspired. People rely on me to be their crutch, their maid, their caretaker, their sole support system, and all around marble pillar. Look, I dont mind being these things once in a while but I am SO much more. I have way more to offer the world that what people want from me. I am not limited to the mundane things of this earth. Why do people insist on tethering me to it?

Enlightening Vacation

Last week I was in Austin with a very dear friend. She showed me so much about myself I dont think I could ever thank her enough. I went to see a Shaman and found I had more in common with his practices than any other person I have ever been in contact with. I felt a kindred knowledge of sorts. Then I met the small group. My heart could have exploded with such love and acceptance. It was amazing. I felt so at home. I had no real want or need for television, the only reason I went online was to post to my distant friends and family what I was up to. I had a lesson on crystals, painted a gourd, helped write a ritual, danced for almost a full day straight, I had to force myself to take time out to eat. I found out I still have my cat speak which to me is important. and I also found that when I am excited it is very hard for me to keep quiet and be still. I will have to work on this. Im sure I must have come off like an idiot more than once. I am in love with being with those people, in that place. It just doesnt get any better!

Learning to recognize psychic abilities

While watching a television program on psychic kids a few days ago, I thought I would put some of the basic lessons a try. I put to mind a local crime case, the face of the victim (as best I could remember it) and closed my eyes and instantly a vision came to me. a street sign with a number. I then put the number into google maps only to find that the place I saw in my mind was only just a short distance from where the person was last seen. The area is someplace I have never been to so there is no way I could have known the street. Today in the news, I read that the police are going to be searching further into the crime. If they discover something in the area I saw in my vision I will have proof of my ability. Doing something meaningful is all I have ever wished to do. I do healings and spirit work but this just would take on a whole new meaning and purpose.

...And There's your sign

Have you ever had a conversation with someone after they have asked for advise and then they answered their own question arguing with you about what you have told them the exact same thing and they STILL don't see it? I spend a lot of time with my palm on my forehead. Things would be so simple if people would actually SEE what they are saying instead of feeling. I love my friends and family so much, sometimes it hurts to see them in so much pain. I have to back away and know in my heart that some lessons are tough and have to be learned. The more they fight the harder it is for them to learn.

To my friends and family, if you ask my advise and I freely give it only to be argued with, I have only this to say: If you are not prepared to look at yourself as the problem then the problem will surely stay. You exhaust me and drain my energies. I know you don't mean to, and I suppose that is partly my fault for allowing it to happen. I care to much sometimes.

....and there is my sign. I have talked myself into my own answer to my problem. There is such thing as caring to much. I have to just "let it be".

What are you saying, exactly?

Today I was reading many comments made about pictures posted on a friends page. I have never seen so many passive aggressive, backhanded comments in all my days! I don't know how my friend can live with these people around her. Have we become such an insensitive society we cant even give an honest compliment or say what is really on our minds? "Oh I would never do that, but Im not judging you" "That babies eyes are so perfect", I want to slap the shit out of people who say such things.

You would think that the babies eyes are beautiful, but saying that they are perfect is like saying every other baby has imperfect eyes. Seriously, think about this. You are setting up a kid from birth by saying stupid shit like this. I know its "meant" to be a compliment but you are singling the baby out by putting others down making the baby a target for bullying later on in life. And For the life of Christ, if you are comparing me to what you do, YOU ARE JUDGING ME. Shame on you! Who died and made you the most high almighty on earth and in the universe that I am to be compared to what you do and then shrugged off as being imperfect.

I know we all can be guilty of this from time to time but my poor friend seems to get more than her fair share of it. Watching her make excuses for these people has made me realize that we have grown to just accept bad behavior. Fair warning, I don't and wont accept it. I would rather you be truthful than, say back handed crap like that. Oh and being southern is no excuse either. If you say something is lovely you better damn well mean it, because if you don't I'm going to rip your ass from stem to stern for trying to be "cute". When you mean to insult someone, come right out with it. Don't you dare play that "I am far to polite to hurt someone else's feelings" crap. I'm not buying it. We are not here to rewrite the dictionary and redefine words. Say what you mean and mean what you say. If it is something that you think shouldn't be said, then keep your stinking mouth shut.

Bird of Prey

A hawk came to me yesterday. He made sure I noticed him. He about dove into my car through the windshield. He came from the upper left, cut sideways and down straight to the car. When he was within two inches of the windshield he made a very sharp cut to the right and up. I could have counted every feather if the moment was frozen in time. Hawk is a bird of prey. He sees things from great distances and doesn't exclude anything within his range. It is said that the Eagle carried our messages to the spirits and hawk delivers the messages from spirit to us. When hawk come to someone it means a message must be delivered. Hawk also gets attacked my small birds who flock to drive the bird of prey out of nesting areas. It could have been a warning for me. When I got to where I was going I soon learned that it was more of a message but Im not sure what the message was and who it was for. I will have to wait and see in time how this works out. It is all so strange to me as I have never had contact with any bird of prey.

Following the Directions

Today was an experience. A young friend asked me to spend a couple of ours with him because he needed to talk to someone. I agreed to meet him at the local coffee bar. From the moment he came in I could read him like a book. His whole being was in distress and in a panic. I remembered what the Tarot card reading said. "You draw unstable people to you. You need to help those who are willing to help themselves with the right information given to them" and "you should be in some sort of healing profession". I thought okay, here we go. Lets see how this works.

I hugged him hello bought him a coffee and put on my "Shamans" robe (visible only to me). After about 2 hours of explaining why he has to do what I'm telling him to do it seemed like he got it. He then got up and excused himself for a moment. The gentlemen sitting behind my dear friend, turned around and told me that I was giving him some very sound advise. I replied with a simple "I hope so because he is like my adopted son. I would hate to steer him wrong".

I gotta say, it is very hard not to let my ego get pumped a bit. It's not the first time I have seen someone of my "tribe", but it is the first time I have done it in general public. Having been the first time and get a pat on the back for it was just amazing. I come home only to be asked for help again by someone different. I feel so rewarded in doing this. I have worked so hard to expand my talent and education without a school. I don't know if anyone will ever really know how much I have put into this with little acknowledgement. To have so much in one day was nothing short of spirit affirmation. What an interesting week.

birthday readings

I had two different readings done in the same day. One was in Runes and the other Tarot. The Runes were spot on and rather no nonsense kind of reading. Informed me of the most amazing things, and basically told me to shut my thinking and go with the flow. The Tarot reading made a suggestion for me to be in a health field. Well duh! its what I do, I just don't get paid for it. It just took me off guard that I asked about career and it gave me that. I asked about a spirit guide and gave me the same answer as the Runes reading did. I asked the cards about a future move and it gave me "mid west farther away than 8 months... why 8 months I dont know... odd. mid west? really? hmmmm dunno bout all that. Im not fond of the mid west. All in all I am pretty excited about it all.

This Year

I want to be naughty
I want to be nice
I want to be fire
I want to be ice

I want to be sober
While I am drunk
I want to be mainstream
and dress like a punk

I want to contribute
and stay in my cave
I want to be a stranger
tell me your name

I want to be crazy
I want to be free
I want to be wise
I want to be me

journaling

I have posted some things in the past that have hinted to my meanderings insecurities and general lack of direction. I have discovered there is a reason for this. I am in something of a mid life crisis that I seem to have been experiencing my entire life. I have no direction, no real purpose anymore. I have no education, no career, not even a simple job and little hope of ever getting any of these. I have been seeking out something since I was 16 without any luck as to find even a hint of what it is I am looking for. Lately I have been struggling with depression and self worth. I see little importance of my very being.

That being said, I still carry on, searching and hoping for the best. I wonder what could happen in my future. I wonder what is worth the risks that sometime appear before me and wonder if I should take advantage of them. I wonder who my life affects that makes my life worth living. I press on both physically and spiritually hoping to make some sort of a difference.

New sister in stress
Never dealt with your pain
Return to sanity
Once again

You need not keep
the things of the past
For if you do
Your future wont last.

Love and honor
you owe them at least
Your mother and father
a home of ease

If you need help
All you need is ask
I am here
And up for the task.

I cry for you
I cry for your enabler
I cry all the time
I wish you were stable

ego

Ego: when I research the word, this is what I come up with, "self, importance of self, how the mind sees self in the world, the part of the personality that mediates between the alert mind and the mind that sleeps, the enduring and conscious element that knows experience".

With these definitions I can see how some have little ego and some have great egos. I can also see how some might have an over blown ego. Lets look at this from a scientific stand point in dealing with personality disorders and what we know about them.

Someone with low self esteem seems to have little ego because of self worth. Those with high self esteem, seem to have great ego which is considered to be healthy as long as it doesn't cause neglect to anyone or anything around them.

Someone who has low self esteem who is delusional in thinking they know more than they actually do, thinks this way as a survival skill. The balance is so far off, the pendulum has had to swing to counter act an event or series of events in a persons life to cause them to go into survival mode.

I cant help but somehow feel pity for these people as they wreak havoc on the earth. I feel worse for the people they tend to lash out at. These ego filled people are ruthless in their fight to maintain the ego that allows them to be strong and healthy in their minds. They don't see the damage they cause. They do not care about the damage. They only care about survival.

Looking at it this way, I can see that some of them kill. Some of them are abusers. Some are the know it all types who dismiss all others. Some are so filled with self, there is no room for anyone else in their lives. Some attack anyone within arms length of presenting the truth to them. They do harm others on a regular basis. I see it every day. The only way I can see to balance my own ego against them, is to ignore them. For every time they say how important they are, I live my life as if to say they mean nothing. If I am attacked personally and the law is broken, I can only rise above and let the law handle it. These people are like vampires. They take and take trying to fix their own self worth. Their ego will not allow them to admit they have something wrong in them. They cut us down to make themselves look bigger and better than they feel. They can be seemingly evil people.

Sometimes the best way to fight fire is with water, not fire. It is also hard to not catch on fire yourself when someone is flaming you. Be wise, not ego filled.

What the Heck?

Have you ever wanted to write something and not know what to write? Seriously, I just opened this page wanting to write something meaningful and emotional and I have no topic to focus on. I am almost laughing and yet I am almost crying for the lack of words I have for the emotion that I am feeling. Last time I had this, a disaster was about to hit. I wish I could see better. I could be better prepared for what is going to happen. I know something is I just don't know what. So I sit here frustrated and growling under my breath.

growing trends

I have a feeling that in the very near future there will be no middle road to take. Extremists are everywhere and ready to rumble. I am so tired of seeing so much hate, debate, fight, and negative spirit towards people with differing ideas. I feel like a turtle in the middle of a buffalo stampede. I can only hope my armor is strong enough to keep me safe.

Why must people always think they are right? Clearly a single answer cannot be right for all people. there are to many people with to many differing ideas for a single answer to work. It is why America was founded. I believe that because we have a society that says each individual is important we have forgotten about the masses. What is good for the masses? Guns or no guns? Religion or no religion? Taxes or no taxes? It would seems that we as a country have painted a picture so well, that the fine details are so fine that the painting is becoming distorted. Much like the term, "to many women in the kitchen makes for an inedible soup", we as a nation have fallen into trap set by self importance. Money and power have taken the place of freedom and debate and fighting have taken the place of peace and harmony. We need to get passed this idea that I is more important than we.

There are thugs out there armed to the teeth. They have the weapons not because they are legal or illegal, they obtained them illegally. If you don't think they are a danger, then you have never been in a natural disaster where chaos rules. I would like to think that I could have the resources to defend myself legally if I had to. If the new gun laws go into effect, the only people with this kind of fire power are the very people we have the right to defend ourselves against.

In the case of religion. I have heard people say the world would be better off without religion. I myself have often thought the same thing. It might be good for one person, but some people need religion. Some people have nothing else to believe in. I think a world without religion would be cold, hard, and a difficult place to live. Being spiritual is part of being human. Being of spirit is part of being alive. It seems that all things beautiful comes from a spiritual connection of one type or other. so why not have spirituality?

Here is what I think we could do without in society as a whole. Corruption, deceit, greed, indifference (apathy), fear, and lack of tolerance.

We need to respect life and understand it. All life. From the grass to the elephant, from the birds to the bugs. From the Chinese to the Cherokee and from the Norse to the Australian Aboriginals.

It is not religion we need to abolish, it is the idea that one religion that is better than the other. It is not guns we need to take away, it is the apathy of all things living. Yes I am the turtle in the stampede. I try to move without extremes. I will probably be the first life to end in this war of self importance and righteousness. I hope that my grave will be testament to the survivors left behind. perhaps my headstone should read "She stood for peace now lies here because of war...isn't it ironic?"

Define Witch

I dont know if I have ever done this before but I think I need to do it now.

From Merriam Webster dictionary

Witch: : one that is credited with usually malignant supernatural powers; especially : a woman practicing usually black witchcraft often with the aid of a devil or familiar.

From Wiki:

Cunning folk: an English language term referring to professional or semi-professional practitioners of magic active from at least the 15th up until the early 20th century. They practiced folk magic – also known as "low magic" – although often combined this with elements of "high" or ceremonial magic.

Comparable figures from other parts of Western Europe include the French devins-guérisseurs and leveurs de sorts and the Dutch toverdokters or duivelbanners and in German Hexenmeister or Kräuterhexen. In Spain they were curanderos whilst in Portugal they were known as saludadores. In Denmark, they were the kloge folk,[1] whilst in Sweden they were known as a klok gumma ("wise old woman") or a klok gubbe ("wise old man").[2][2][3][4][5][6] It is widely agreed by historians and folklorists, such as Willem de Blécourt,[7] Katherine Briggs and Owen Davies,[1] that the term "cunning folk" could be applied to all of these figures as well.

Now with this very basic information can you seriously call yourself a witch? do you harm people for the sake of harming or for personal gain? If you believe in the 3 fold law or Karma you are NOT a witch. You are a magic practitioner who has a good moral conscience and should be called a cunning folk or root worker. You can be a healer or anything or all of the above.

You cannot blame someone for not wanting to be around a witch if they believe in God, Karma, Ala, Buddhism, Hindu or any other social belief. Being a witch is NOT a good thing.

The new age think that because the church has defined witchcraft as anything to do with magic must be performed by witches, they therefore MUST be witches, giving the church power to redefine language.

I REFUSE TO GIVE THE CHURCH THAT KIND OF POWER! They will not dictate to me what is and what is not.

snobs

I don't know what I can say other than I am against snobs. I am tired of religious snobs, art snobs, money snobs, and social snobs. I cant stand the hypocritical nonsense that is going on.

I have been belittled in the art field because I stick up for the street artists who are being ripped to the core in the fine arts community. I am now sticking up for a person who created a group for a traditional religion and the snobs moved in and kicked her out of her own group. I am an outcast from certain social activities because I don't measure up.

What a snob is is a bigot. what they hold their bigotry on is up to them but that is what they are. I for one have decided that no matter the cost to me I will not be included in the friendship of r socialization with snobs. I am not a bigot. I wont be accused of being like them either.

Snobs are needy people with low self esteem wanting some sort of power. If they cannot take it they will create it.

So lets hear it for the so called common folks who do spectacular work in ordinary places! Who don't get paid nearly enough for what they do, and who shouldn't think less of themselves because of the snobs.

Happy New Year

As another year rolls into being, I reflect on the last twelve months. I have made some new friends and I am sorry to say a select few people have left me with a very bitter unpleasant memory of them. It has been a year of very high highs and very low lows. A sweet friend got married, the haunted house is moving forward, my house was flooded, an illness kept at bay one more year, the meeting place for many of my friends was closed forever. I watched lives come together and fall apart. I have both gained respect and lost it this past year.

All in all, It was a year of growth. Not good, not bad. Nothing overly scale tipping either way. I am wiser, colder, warmer, older and yet some younger in my thinking.

I am passing through another phase in life and will embrace this phase as I did the last.

Many blessings to you....always