spell for a broken man

I take these tears
every single one
from your eyes
when you have come undone

I replace them with love
complete as I can
to heal the heart
of this angered man

Let no pity
nor shame creep in
no guilt of what
might have been

gather your thoughts
with what I have given
blend them together
let the light shine in

no more darkness
no more sorrow
love who you love
there is always tomorrow

strides

I grew up to be Amy the beloved.... the dragon flies with me and the bear and jagaur walk at either side. I have dragonfly eyes and a ravens soul

some days I would just rather be dead. seriously today is one of those days..... just a few more hours til tomorrow, I can do this

I hate PTSD and I hate nighmares

I swear there is nothing worse than waking up in tears in the middle of the night. The following day is so confusing. First I want to just sleep. Then I want to cry it out. Then I know I need to get up and act like a normal human being like nothing is wrong with me. Sometimes life just gets in the way of emotions and then sometimes emotions get in the way of life. Today is a day everything is all mixed up of both and I dont know which way to turn.

what a typical ass

The minute he knows Im gone he is all over me trying to get my attention. Where was this attention for the last 5 years? PLEASE! spare me the attention whore ways. Its not about him, its never been about him. If he wanted it about him, he should have been honest and started off that way. I got no problem dealing with a man whore. I got a problem with liars and people who neglect me to be with someone else while they say their neglect is love. There is nothing worse than living with someone and never being spoken to unless its about his job or the car or food. There was no room in his life for me then and now all of a sudden he makes room? OH HELL NO!

Jewel - Foolish Games (Official Video)

Vacation Time

Boy did I need this time. Im learning how to be myself again. I have found that I can be very happy being me. I will have to remember to be myself all the time. I am tired of trying to be someone else "as expected". Fuck that shit! Love me for who I am or dont. Do not try and force me to be someone I am not. I might be stupid enough to give it a try but I can place a bet 100 to 1 that not only will I fail, but you wont like the results either.

Christina Aguilera - You Lost Me

#YesAllWomen #NotAllMen ... scattered thoughts on gender equality

OH holy hell what a can of worms this murdering sick minded scum of the earth has opened up. Yes you heard me. I don't care if he was mentally ill or what. He was a sick son of a bitch and his parents are sick too. He didn't get those ideas out of thin air ya know.

I have been reading and reading and reading all week. One story after another about how men cannot accept the idea they are jerks at the least and murderers at the worst. Do you know why they can't understand? Because we as women swallow their bullshit out of fear. Look I know this is hard to to read but let me give you some history here. I was raised to think men were more important and I needed one to take care of me by a woman who didn't want to have a man in her life. (see the irony there?) I was taught to believe women should be in servitude to men. So many women think this way and it has created some serious flaws in male thought processes.

Because of being raised this way, I am a survivor of 19 rapes and beatings over a 20 year period of time. I was hunted down because I pissed off the wrong guy. The thing is, they are ALL the wrong guy. Any man can snap, even the nice ones. What stopped the crap was me getting mad. I don't mean mad at men. I mean mad at myself. When I was being raped I never fought back so I would survive. I told myself to just ride it out and I would live to see another day. What I didn't know is that I could fight back and WIN.

Now, fast forward. Today I am married to a man who thinks I am a trophy. Things haven't changed all that much with me... until now. I am furious with myself for allowing my life to be ruined by men who keep me back from experiencing what life really has to offer me. I am ready to be a warrior. I am not saying that I will not fear men. I will fear them plenty. What I am saying is that I will take my fear and use it to fight back. Live, be hurt, or die, I will fight back. If it means divorce then so be it. If it means I live alone, then so be it. It is more important to be a full human being than a safe little flower kept away from living and being whole.

We need to take responsibility for our own ignorance. How many women have put on that low cut top or those mini skirts HOPING it will attract a man because you were wanting sex that night? How many of you smile at cat calls because you think "you still got it". Lets face it, we women were taught that much of our self confidences fall on whether or not we are desirable to a man. No its not right. I agree! It is so wrong and sick its beyond sad. But that doesn't mean it isn't a fact. Don't get me wrong, I am furious at my mother for teaching me what she was not living herself. I am furious for the way society placed my importance on having a man in my life. (see previous posts on sexual identity struggles) I am furious at myself for acting weaker than I am. I am furious at the men who took advantage of my low self esteem and lack of knowledge.

There is a HUGE issue with the entire topic of conversation. Sex is always a huge issue. How to get it, when to get it, how it should be done, facts, fiction, fantasy, the list is endless. The question I am trying to ask is....

How does a person engage sexual activity without engaging in inequality. Just asking a person if they are interested in seeing someone, can be experienced as to forward a question.

There are centuries of inequality lessons and teaching to cut through. Women tend to be weaker, men stronger physically, and yet I believe mentally its the exact opposite. For the most part, they equal each other out. If only we would recognize it and respect both our weaknesses and strengths. Perhaps this is what needs to be taught in the future to change how we approach equality. Teach that everyone is important and everyone has weaknesses including you.

I am what I am... "yeah I know, but what is it that you do?"

So many people don't have a clue about what it is that i do. not even my family. So I thought I would write a list of what it is that I do.

First and foremost I am an empath. I know that word gets thrown around a lot and can be connected to a multitude of mental illnesses but in reality it is a common thing. Knowing how to deal with it is rather uncommon.

I pray for those who wish for me to pray. I do not pray for those that do not ask. I do not wish to be an intrusion on someone's life.

I read tarot cards. Not like others read them but how I read them. I don't use the same kinds of cards as others and I don't use my cards the way they were meant to be used. I let the spirits do the talking. The cards only give me a visual to refer to.

I am a healer. I have been known to do some pretty wild things that I am not even sure I understand. Energy working can be amazing.

I can heal a spirit if I am lead to. Some I can, some I cant. I have no problem saying when I can't do something.

I receive messages from the spirit realm and relay them as a spirit tells me. I talk to guides and ancestors.

I am an animist. This means I believe all things have spirit and energy and everything a living thing does. leaves traces behind.

I study religion. I do not follow any single god but work with all gods and spirits for the grace and mercy of the people I help. I will never dishonor a god or spirit. Religion and its followers is another story.

I cleanse houses to achieve peace in a home.

I seek spirits in cemeteries once a year to maintain a proper communication with the previously living.

I remove curses and hexes

I can and do, on occasion, perform spells to better human life.


WHAT I DONT DO

I do not know everything I can do nor do I pretend that others cannot do the same thing.

I do not worship Satan

I am not a witch because a witch does things that will profit and benefit him or herself. CLEARLY I do not do that.

I do not charge for my services.

Do you know what its like growing up thinking you were born broken and damaged? From the age of five I knew that I liked boys AND girls. Sure I kissed boys but girls really put me in awe. (yes at 5 I was kissing) I grew up being a tomboy. I didn't like dresses or dolls and LOVED my Tonka dump truck. When I became a teen I gravitated to boys. There was one girl I really liked but I didn't have anything in common with her so I admired her from afar. Besides, I didn't know girls could like each other that way. It was never discussed on any level other than in a negative way in a form of teasing or bullying. Being gay meant you had to be a boy and like other boys and meant you probably were going to die from aids. Girls couldn't be gay and after all I did like boys a lot so I went with it. When I was 20 I had my first experience with a girl. My world turned upside down. I didn't know what to think. I lusted after every inch of her. The problem was I lusted after my boyfriend too. I felt broken. What was going on with me? I married my boyfriend after getting pregnant and having a baby. Then I met Dawn. She and I were inseparable. I loved her more than I loved my husband. By then I knew I was a bisexual but because of Dawn I thought I might even be a lesbian. After all, why would I love her more than I loved my husband? Well I found out ten years later why. He was a cheating jerk! After the big divorce I moved away and spent time with a lesbian lover. I really liked being with a woman but I didn't feel secure like I do with a man. Again feeling so messed up, I forged forth. I married a man twice again and still crave a woman. Am I bi or am I lesbian? Fuck if I know. I keep picking men who cheat on me. I am a lot of things but a cheater isn't one of them and I don't like being cheated on. Don't get me wrong, I know women cheat but I have never had a woman long enough to experience what a relationship with one would be like for me.

I still feel broken or messed up sometimes. probably because I never fully discovered who and what I really am. I am fifty years old looking at all the kids now and they know who and what they are. I am amazed and envious and even a little jealous of them. How I long to have a place to put myself in when it comes to this topic. I have young friends who are from every LGBTQ station there is and I love who and what they are. I love their spirit and freedom. I feel so trapped and I don't know why. I wish someone could tell me what my problem is.

Right now life is so complicated. My marriage is in turmoil, I haven't had sex in years. I crave human companionship and it seems like women are the only ones who are able to give it. I love my husband with all I have but I don't know if its enough. I don't think he loves me the way I need to be loved. I don't know if the way I need to be loved is my issue because of my attraction to women or if it is my hurt coming out over being cheated on again. Oh hell. I could spin my wheels forever on this. I don't have the answers and I am not sure I ever will.

I guess I am writing this because there are so many people out there who think that in today's times, being who you are is easier. Well it is but it isn't. If there was only one answer available I wouldn't be struggling. I would just accept the fact that I am broken, was born this way and move on.

Tired of my own race

Today I am annoyed. Yes, annoyed! I have been watching people for the past few months and I am ashamed of them. Middle class Caucasian Americans claiming to know the struggles of the African American people during Martin Luther King Jr. month. Americans spouting love and support for the Pagan Irish people on St Patrick's Day by vowing never to wear green on this day. As if an American would know how a Pagan Irish person feels about it themselves. Why would they exclude all the Christian Irish people? Claiming all kinds of support for our troops on Dec 7th and yet not a single one of them know what happened on that day so many years ago. Guh!

What a bunch of hypocrites! I am so sick and tired of being included in this moronic group of people. I am an American middle class Caucasian female. I haven't a clue about the plight of anyone other than myself. I don't pretend to support what might be popular that day. I am far to busy trying to support myself and my own ideas. Don't get me wrong. I would love to support everything I believe is the right thing to support but I am not going to be fake and ignorant about what and who I am supporting just because its the trend of the day.

These are the things I support:

Equality

Love

Education


With these 3 things I believe life would be so much better. Call me idealistic. Sure, I am a dreamer. So was Einstein and Da Vinci. They weren't wrong.

I don't know what else to say. I am disillusioned.

Understanding Balance

I would never in a million years think that someone should become settled into a single belief and thought that one way is the only or right way. That being said I also believe that a seeker may miss the importance of moving slowly to gain more than just education.

Some people say I have taken a turn to the "all light" and become a "fluff" in my beliefs. I have only this to say. Do not assume that because Raven has shown me how to see the light in the dark, that I do not embrace the darkness as well. I have been in the darkness for so long it has become like a friend. I am enjoying the light, it is refreshing and good for my well being. I am balanced for the first time in my life. If people don't understand that then it is they who are out of balance. I love the power and strength the darkness holds and will use it as I see fit to gain balance when met with opposition.

I would also like to say for the record, I speak using the terms "light and dark" for folks who do not understand how life tends to work. I personally think that life is life and has no light and dark. I have seen destruction come from both calm and chaos. I use more simple terms like "light and dark" for you to understand what I am talking about. Just as some give me a title, they need to define everything in their small thought processes.

So for those of you who think you have me all figured out, keep thinking, you aren't done yet....and neither am I.

the magic of love

I have discovered something. Love does what is right. They say you have to love yourself before you can love others. In order to do that you have to treat yourself as you would treat others you love. If you really love yourself, would you give yourself another chance. You would give yourself a chance to learn, grow and change to make yourself better. You will learn and forgive. So in that spirit, I will love my husband as much as I love myself. He screwed up bad. He hurt me beyond hurt. But I love him and love does the right thing. He needs to know and experience this kind of love. I will be his cheer leader as long as he moves forward and continues to grow in love. If not me, then who? I have him for a reason. He named me Valkyris for a reason. He said I was the one who would rescue him. I have been charged with this task before I even knew what the task was. I will accept this task. I will accept the spirit the task involves. I can only hope we both grow as we are meant to grow. onward and upward.

3 crows came to me one day and sat upon my fence.
one cawwed and spoke as if there was some urgence.
I knew the news had to be bad
so I prepared the best I thought I could have.

When the news came I was devistated
Who would have thought history would be replicated
I thought I was careful this time around
It would seem my life's path is a river of tears from a clown

Hearing that inner truth speak

I have been going through some pretty serious trauma drama lately. In trying not to go overboard with emotions, I listen for the constant voice. You know the one? The never changing constant in the midst of all the massive choices to make in times of trouble. It goes against everything I want to do but I know it is the right thing to do. Wait, be still, give it time, look for positive, love and do not hate or curse, are all things that have stayed the same.

In trying to level my heart and still my mind I have decided to go on medications to help me through this tough time. I don't expect I will need to be on them forever. They have blocked much of my ability to reach out and connect with some spirits, which I suppose might be a good thing that I not feel everything around me. It is time for me to deal with me and not everyone else. In this time I have also learned just how much people rely on me for their well being and are not my friends.

For those of you who are sticking by me and supporting me in my personal time of need, Thank You! and for those of you who are in need of my talents, please be patient. I don't want to damage myself trying to help you.

Crow Calls

There is nothing you can hide when the Crow comes to call. He will announce his arrival like the trumpets sounding for royalty. The messages he brings are dreaded for most, including me. He has come to let me know of my wounds that I would rather not acknowledge. He has come to heal me in spite of how I manage. He has come to tell me I must further seek the depths and darkness in order to see the light.
The Corvidae have been my soul's haunted embrace. I am comfortable among the trees and on land with the jags and the bears, it would seem I am called to fly...and I am afraid.

My First and Most Powerful Spirit Guide

The blackest of all jaguars with the brightest of green eyes. She hunted and prowled waited and watched. When she knew I was ready she jumped me. Having her within me, as me, teaching me how strong she is and allowing me to experience how I can be if I choose to shift my ways. She has never left me and protected me in my time of need. She has taught me that I need to think for myself and forget about the ways of others. I am unique, like none other. As I lost my vision and my way, she sent other guides to teach me about the journey I am on and the path I have chosen. They are minors among the major. All of my teachers have had some aspect of her.

I feel her today as I maneuver a relationship of distrust and disgust. She has jumped in front of me and showed me that I do not have to be harmful to be angry and there is more power in being myself. She teaches me to be calculated and planned, creating a balance that will not upset my surroundings. She has taught me to put away childish reactions that will allow my want and need to escape me.

Walk in your truth

Walking in your truth is not as easy as it sounds. You have to know who you are. You have to know your strengths and your weaknesses. You have to know what you are willing to compromise and what you have to keep in order to be your own true self. I will never be one for greatness because, at my core, I don't like what I would have to become to get it. I am not an attention seeker willing to give that much of myself away. I am not a business head willing to trade my emotions for the sake of a business. I have no problem with those who do, it just is not my my thing. If I have no problem with these choices, then why should any of you have a problem with it? Sure you see greatness in me, I do too. But at what cost? Part of what makes me so different is that I refuse to be something that I am not. You see? I am not like all those other people you see on television. I am a behind the scenes kind of person. This is my truth. I function well there. I am free to be myself and do as I feel the right thing to do. Being in the limelight requires me to do things I normally wouldn't do. In a way I feel like the now infamous Phil Robertson. He signed up to be in the public eye and then the public asked him to stop being so public about his beliefs. Just what do people expect him to be? Change him to fit their own perception of what they think he should be? I am much to strong to allow that to happen to me. I have no fear in walking away when I am not comfortable. I have learned not to be angry or have my feelings hurt about it. Sometimes I stick my toe into water knowing it is the wrong temperature hoping I will get used to it. Sometimes that water feels more like cement. That is ok, I just con't go there that's all. No harm no foul.

raised in ignorance

I am ignorant. I openly admit it. I have used words without knowing what they meant. My God what people must think of me. My mom used to use the word pickininny so adoringly to describe me I had no idea it was a racial slur. Why would she use a racial slur so lovingly to describe me? I dont understand. I am ashamed I have used this term without knowing it was offensive. I am more confused that NOBODY told me it was offensive. I honestly didnt know. I can only ask for forgiveness of my ignorance and move on from here.

Something I would like to make clear

It has come to my attention that certain things I choose to not be a part of, people take personally. I have nothing against what other people do. To each their own. You should not have a problem with me not wanting to be a part of it. If you do, then that is your problem not mine. I will not join someone for them to feed their ego which is exactly what this behavior's reaction is all about. Nuff said... go feed your ego elsewhere... GRRRR

A Hard Week Indeed

It is February 2nd 2014. Superbowl Sunday, Candlemas, Imbolc, St Brigid's day and the end of one of the longest most emotional weeks I have had in years. I have 2 very dear friends in 2 separate states going through the same thing. They are going through the loss of their fathers. I was asked to help in any way I could. I am so close to these ladies that there was no way I could ever turn either of them down on any level. I have never really had a father to know what it feels like to lose a daddy so I had to tap into their pain and sorrow to know how to help. The sorrow and confusion is total and complete turmoil. As I am experiencing this I am also trying to put a party together and getting invitations out. As I was hand delivering an invitation I got bit by a dog. I am okay but it was very shocking. This morning my husband informs me that a spirit threw his coffee mug off his desk. The spatters of coffee all over the wall clearly said to me that "something" happened. Then he tried to blame me for inviting it. Oh yeah this thing isn't good. So I am going to have yet another house cleansing and I might have to perform some sort of "exit" ritual. I need help and don't know who I should ask. I also know I cant perform under the distress I have been under with the emotional stuff my friends are in.

Anyone know of a good team in the area who comes with their own spiritualist?

Hey all you empaths out there, I have some very controversial advice for you.

Are you always tired? Does the constant grounding and shielding draw the life out of you? Do feel like a bottom feeder always asking people for energy? Guess what, your doing it wrong. I know, I know, grounding and shielding is the best thing to do in a pinch and always a good way to start and exit your day. If you work in the public arena you are going to be overwhelmed trying to block them out every day, all day, day in and day out. If this is happening to you and you don't know what else to do and just want to curl up in a ball and shut out the world out I have the answer.

Let the emotions flow through you. That's right you heard me. Do not let them stop and stay. Don't take time to try and solve the emotional baggage of people. Just recognize that the feelings aren't yours and let them pass through you like a breeze passes through your window. It might flutter your curtains a bit in the beginning but it sure beats trying to press against it all day all the time. Once you know how to do this you will become so strong and light hearted your energy will feel unending. Emotions wont bother you nearly as much and yet, they will still be recognizable. How cool is that!?! Negative and overly emotional people wont bother you anymore, and you can actually function in a public area without getting upset. On top of all that you can carry on like a normal human being without becoming a wreck.

I know everyone says to ground and center, block and protect, but how long can you hold up doing that? Seriously? Take it from an old pro, you might last 10 years before you need medication. The constant stress and influx of other people's issues WILL overwhelm you. The world is to great and they are to many against little old you. You cant push it back all the time. Sure you can push it away for a while but for how long? Think about it.

to tired to type

Wow what a day! I got up early on a 5 hours sleep night, made coffee and sat down. If I had known what kind of day it was going to be I would have stayed in bed. One conversation about religion and symbols mixed with semantics after another. All day, and its still happening. The good news is that I didn't lose my head. I didn't get my feelings hurt and I didn't attack anyone. It would seem I am growing. That being said I am exhausted. I didn't learn a whole lot today, nothing that I already didn't know anyway. I am beginning to think I am the only animist in the group. Time well tell I suppose. I am not looking for any kindred or anything its just I find it odd to be the only one. I have learned something about myself that I didn't know. For being such an open book I really like to keep personal things to myself. Ironic, isn't it? Well it is time for me to call it a night. Im sorry I have not had any spells or poetry and newer photos. I will try and do better soon.

pin pointing peace

I have such inner peace. I have worked hard at trying to achieve it but I can honestly tell you I never thought I would ever find it. When I found my spiritual purpose in life there came a sense of rest. I can compare it only to the utter exhaustion and elation of giving birth to a healthy baby. I know the real work is just beginning but it is sheer joy to do it. I struggle with acceptance in social situations but as long as I stick to the truth of my situation I will be ok.

how to get rid of......

Demons are technically a Christian concept so it would make sense to ask the Christian god to get rid of them. Just as it would make sense to ask a Celtic god or goddess to get rid of trolls and the not so nice fae folk. I ask the Native spirits to deal with Native issues too.

If you didn't believe in the Norse tradition would you laugh at me if I told you "May Thor smite you dead"? I am thinking you probably would laugh, then keep right on pestering me. However, if you are a Christian and I rebuke you in the name of Jesus, you are going to back off pretty quick. This is how I deal with the spiritual and the spirits. Native American spirits do not respond to Christian deities if they have no fear of them. You have to get on their playing field and beat them at their own game, and guess what? Sometimes they win because I don't have a firm enough grasp of their culture and beliefs. This is why my nose is always in a book learning as much as I can about every belief system out there. I know very little about the Asian cultures. If I come across an Asian Ghost I am so screwed its not funny. I would also be screwed in Hawaii.

I do know that the golden rule is key in all beliefs. I also know the golden rule is about respect. If you have pissed off someone dead or alive and want to make it right, you better recognize their belief system. It is only through their faith that you will reach peace and understanding. You don't have to follow it, just understand it, and that my good people takes some serious time.

The Power of Love

Love. What a funny, strange, all encompassing, defining, little word. Love has almost killed me. Love confused me. Love hit me. Love left me. Today, I can say Love has accepted me. I am no longer an outcast. I am no longer a rebel. I am no longer "that" woman. I am completely totally unmistakably loved. The feeling is content. I do not know how this happened. Perhaps it is my complete acceptance of everything around me. Perhaps it is that I no longer care and simply accept myself. Perhaps Love has finally figured out I am worth the time and effort. Maybe it is just my age. I honestly don't know how I ended up here. All I know is that I have to pay it forward and love others. There is something in knowing. There is something in feeling. There is something in sharing.

Blessings my good people. rest easy and know you are loved.